QUESTION: My husband and I have two
girls. We just went through a very difficult pregnancy with our youngest
daughter, who was just born a month ago. On top of this, my husband
just had a vasectomy. (He seemed desperate for the surgery!) Initially,
I was neutral about this decision but now I feel it may tear our marriage
apart. My husband does not discuss emotional issues. What can I do?
ANSWER: It is possible that your feelings
are intensified due to postpartum adjustment. Dealing with your husband's
vasectomy on the heels of childbirth may have stimulated emotions
at a rate you were unable to process.
This will not be the last time intense feelings come
up in your marriage. You must find a way to share what is in your
heart and on your mind, even though you are reluctant to do so. After
all, what is your alternative? You cannot run away from the job of
developing the communication in your marriage and neither can he -
- without suffering negative consequences!
Constructively airing feelings makes a marriage more
viable. Like rain gutters direct the flow of water to prevent damage
to your house, effective communication buffers your relationship from
a back up of unexpressed feelings. Allowing feelings to fester can
lead to blow ups or a chilling withdrawal from the relationship, either
of which may damage your marriage.
Progressing on the family life cycle together brings
inevitable challenges, and yes, disappointments! Accept responsibility
for not speaking up earlier if you did have an objection to a vasectomy.
Take courage to begin your communication with your husband with an
"I" statement, rather than a "you" statement, which blames him for
your feelings. Your emotions need expression, but your experience
is not his fault. For example, "I know I did not say anything to you
about not getting a vasectomy, earlier, but now I find I am having
very mixed feelings. I don't want them to get in the way of our relationship.
And though it is hard for us to talk about feelings, I need to feel
safe to express and share them with you."
Let your spouse know that your feelings are not logical
(after all, logic is not the nature of feelings!) and that you are
only asking that he listen to your feelings. Ask him about his feelings,
too. It is possible that he was extremely frightened by the last pregnancy
experience, but unlike you, he may also feel a load of guilt for his
genetic role. Find out the real meaning of your husband's "desperation."
The true nature of intimacy requires that you develop
your ability to empathize with the other. Your feelings will likely
change as you express your pain and make room for your husband's experience.
Do not underestimate what you have been through together.
You have just come out of a high risk pregnancy. Dealing with life
and death issues, topped with the weight of the deliberate decision
to close the door on pregnancy and childbirth forever has left you
to face your own mortality at an early age. Still, the greater the
challenges you face in life, the more need there will be to communicate.
The test of any marriage is whether the adversities
you experience on the family journey bring you together or pull you
apart. Communication is not an optional part of marriage, but an essential
ingredient to remaining connected through conflict, which is inevitable
in any longterm relationship.
