QUESTION: I've been living alone for
the past year and my father has been supporting me financially. My
mother keeps commenting that my father is mean and evil. Needless
to say, they have a very bad marriage. Until now, I used to get along
well with my mother -- at the cost of the relationship with my father.
But now, I see that my mother has been terribly mean and selfish and
I dislike her. Could you suggest something to help me keep my sanity?
ANSWER: You are clearly becoming independent
and can see your mother's contributions to her marital difficulties.
But do not jump from the frying pan into the fire! Your parents' "bad"
marriage is their responsibility. Siding with your father is no better
for you than siding with your mother.
Your parents have triangulated you in their marriage.
Your mother has done so actively by soliciting your sympathy in scapegoating
your father. But your father has acquiesced passively by refusing
to conflict with your mother directly about her inappropriate parenting.
Your father's acts of omission support your mother's inappropriate
actions. The failing of their marriage no doubt stems from their inability
to resolve conflict directly with one another. Instead, their pattern
has been to allow the conflict to be vented on you.
Neither of your parents should have allowed this to
happen. Had your father stood up to your mother in this regard, you
would have been given the message that you should not be caught in
the middle of their crossfire. This would have entitled you to separate
from their conflict sooner. The reality is likely to be that both
of your parents depend on you to absorb their marital stress. In this
way, you may actually stabilize their marriage. Your mother vents
to you, and your father continues to avoid conflict with his wife.
Get out of the middle! Refuse to be used in their
battle with one another. Tell your mother that you do not want to
hear about your father from her any longer. Let both of your parents
know that you would like a separate relationship with each of them.
Your relationship with your mother needs to stand on its own, not
by "ganging up against" your father. Let her know that you are open
to talking about other subjects of conversation, or doing things together
that you both enjoy, but draw a boundary on any talk about her marriage.
If (or, more likely "when") your mother crosses the
line, be willing to repeat yourself and withdraw from the conversation
if she attempts to engage you in discussions about your father. Eventually,
she will get the message.
Reach out to your father and ask that he be available
to develop a relationship with you. Too much has been lost between
you, and it is time to get reacquainted. Develop a relationship with
your father that is not based on his marital difficulties. Get to
know your father, but do not jump to his rescue.
Neither he, nor your mother, is the victim here. In
fact, it is you who have been victimized by both of your parents in
this process. Keep your sanity by refusing to fight their battles.
Maintain your relationship with both of them on your terms. This is
their war, not yours!
