QUESTION: I'm a 31-year-old woman
with an 18-month-old son. My husband and I have been together for
eight years. We have always had a problem with communication and it
seems like matters are getting worse since our son was born. My husband
will refuse to speak to me for a week or longer at a time. Once we
do start talking again, we never discuss the problem. When I suggest
marriage counseling, it goes through one ear and out of the other!
Can our marriage be saved?
ANSWER: Indeed your husband is stonewalling
communication and problem-solving in your marriage. Your relationship
is likely to be suffering a lack of intimacy due to unresolved conflict.
You are right to be alarmed!
Your husband's "silent treatment" borders on emotional
abuse. Remember, this is your marriage, too. Let your husband know
clearly that though you love him dearly, but you will not accept his
silent punishment or his stonewalling communication in your marriage.
All members, including your son, are suffering from the effects of
unresolved tension. Your husband's tactics prolong pain and undermine
your self-esteem.
Make an appointment with a marital counselor and tell
your husband that you would very much prefer to go with him, but that
you will go without him, if necessary, to address the effects of his
silence on your own mental health. By doing so, you are giving him
the message that something needs to change.
The ineffective patterns of communication that your
family are experiencing no doubt have their roots in your respective
childhoods. Our parents' marriages are the blueprints on which we
launch our own families. Ask yourself and your husband what role models
are currently influencing how the two of you are handling stress and
conflict in your marriage. Who in his family taught him that "silent
treatment" is an answer to conflict, or that changing the subject
will distract from negotiating marital problems?
How did your parents resolve or not resolve conflict?
Did one of your parents "roll over" when the other did something that
was unacceptable? Or did they unequivocally require change when it
was necessary to the health of the family?
Your family is young. There is plenty of time to change
this destructive pattern. But do not delay! Handling problems by putting
your head in the sand will not only destroy the affection in your
marriage, but does not bode well for the inevitable bumps ahead in
raising a child through adolescence and beyond.
Do not pass this painful pattern on to the next generation!
Instead, invite your husband to put his efforts wasted on stonewalling
to developing communications skills that will breathe life into your
ailing relationship. Your beloved will find that he will reap the
benefits of increased affection in his marriage, when he turns his
energies towards solving problems instead of avoiding them.
