QUESTION: My wife is a pack-rat. We
have a small house, and yet she saves broken items that will never
be mended and constantly brings home yard-sale bargains that we don't
need. I have thrown out broken mementos, wire stems cut from artificial
flowers and more, and she never notices. How can I help her to realize
that it is counter-productive to bring this junk home?
ANSWER: Instead of engaging in a battle,
consider finding a resolution to your differences. It is highly unlikely
that you will be able to convince your wife that her habits are "unproductive."
In fact, your judgment will likely alienate her rather than foster
cooperation. Don't require that she "see the light" of your perspective,
but instead, invite her to establish a true and fair negotiation of
space. Consider defining the space in your home as "yours," "mine"
and "ours."
Marriage means compromise. Establish rules for what
is acceptable to both of you in your "community" space. Be prepared
to "trouble shoot" by discussing in advance how house rules will be
realistically enforced with the least disrespect to one another. For
example, you may agree to keep the living room coffee table "relatively"
free of objects. Yet, occasionally something will be placed there
and left for a period of time. Determine where you (or your wife)
can transfer objects that begin to pile up on the table.
For example, perhaps you can transfer things to your
wife's desk or relocate them to a wicker basket bought for this purpose.
This quick plan of action will help you to avoid tiresome "nagging,"
yet allow you to initiate easy action that gives you a sense of control
over your environment.
You may even consider acquiring an inexpensive portable
storage unit to be placed in an unobtrusive place, such as your backyard,
that allows her to "collect" to her heart's desire. Once it is full,
it is understood that she has used up her space. She may then sort
through her collections or abstain. It is her choice.
Remember that a good marriage is based upon respect
for your partner's differences. Do not organize your wife's desk or
try to manage her designated areas. Do not criticize the way she keeps
her separate space and DO NOT throw her things out. Not only is this
disrespectful, but your action encourages her NOT to respect boundaries.
Ask that she return this respect by keeping her part of the agreement.
Define limits that respect one another, but stop short
of judging your wife's interests as "a waste." One person's "junk"
may literally be another's "treasure." Try to see the world through
her eyes. Seek to understand the pleasure your wife gains from this
activity and appreciate her differences rather than squelching them.
Expect her to reciprocate by being understanding of your interests
as well.
Surely, you were each attracted to the other for the
ways you were different, as well as alike. While it is not reasonable
to expect your wife to adopt your world view, it is reasonable to
expect a fair compromise that allows both of you to retain your individuality.
The successful negotiation of differences contributes toward a healthy
tension that keeps a relationship from becoming stale.
Keep in mind what the French believe to be the essence
of a good relationship: "Vive la difference!"
