QUESTION: I have a toddler and a 16-year-old
son. My teen is a great kid. He's an honor student, working toward
being an Eagle Scout and participates in sports, but he is constantly
testing me, "pushing my buttons." When I ask him to stop, he pushes
until I am VERY angry and feel out of control! Even though he is bigger
than me, I have lost my temper and punched him. Even though he is
the one who started the fight he says it's all my fault. Maybe he
is jealous of my interactions with his younger sibling. Even I feel
guilty for enjoying my youngest child so much. I'm losing control,
obviously. What can I do?
ANSWER: Your teen is right. Punching
him is all your fault! You are guilty of losing control with him and
then blaming him for your actions. No, you are not horrible, but you
do need to look at your own "out of control" behavior. Stop looking
for reasons he is "pushing your buttons" and discover what is difficult
for you about these teenage years. Raising toddlers and raising adolescents
are the two most trying stages of the family life cycle. You are doing
both at once! No wonder you are feeling somewhat testy.
Your son is at an age where he is separating from
you. You are allowing yourself to get into power struggles with him.
Since his behavior and performance is not an issue, why do you engage
in angry battle? How is he pushing your buttons? Is he becoming critical
of you? Does he disagree with your views on things? It is natural
for your son to express differences and in fact it is a teenager's
job to criticize his parents. Your job is to learn not to take it
personally!
Make boundaries around disrespectful "name calling"
if it occurs, and expect him to carry out his chores as a member in
the family. Create consequences (such as no car privileges, etc.)
if your fights involve truly abusive language and lack of follow through
on responsibilities. But stop short of requiring that he be "on the
same page" with you about how he sees you or your opinions, and do
not expect him to have a perpetually cooperative attitude towards
you, as he may have in the past. Expect a dissension in his point
of view from your own, and allow this dissension neutral space. You
can disagree with him without losing your temper.
You may find that you have fallen from a previous
state of grace in your togetherness, and the space he now needs in
your relationship may be a difficult adjustment for you. You may be
right that he likes it this way. He may be creating the distance he
needs from you at this point in his development. Having another child
at this time may also have created a natural change in your relationship
with your teenage son. View it as a help rather than a hindrance to
the "letting go" process of adolescence.
Your 16 year old is only two years away from adulthood!
He is emerging as a young man in the world. He is a beginning adult.
No doubt your engagement with his younger brother allows him more
freedom to separate from you. Accept that he loves his brother and
his "good" behavior with him is enough reassurance that this is not
the issue to focus upon.
Instead of centering your attention on him, turn your
focus inwards. What is hard about letting go? Reflect on your own
guilt about loving another child, while he is just two years away
from leaving home. The two of you have no doubt been "tight" because
he was your only child for such a long period of time. This is even
more true if you were a single parent with him and this new sibling
is a product of a new marriage.
Consider that what is occurring between you and your
eldest son is normal change. Had he had a brother much sooner in life,
sharing your attention would have been a matter of history by now.
It may be hard on you to accept the distance between the two of you
as healthy. You may be fighting to keep the same kind of closeness
you enjoyed when it was just the two of you. But his development requires
that he experience separation from you (less closeness in some ways)
in order to be ready to "be on his own".
Unrealistic expectations of motherhood on your part
may also contribute to losing control. Let go of guilt for being appropriately
close to your toddler. It is also possible that this youngster has
put you on edge, too. Though toddlers are delightful, they can also
be physically exhausting. Accept your own limitations. Do not push
to give more than you have. You may be expecting too much of yourself
as a mother!
You are a great Mom. Don't blow it now! Work to let
go of maintaining your pride in your arguments with your 16 year old.
Simply do not put your self-esteem on the line. Maintain and adjust
to a greater emotional distance from your son in these heated discussions.
Keep in mind that his successes are also a result of your good mothering
all of these years, but this is not the time for him to reflect this
to you! Wait until he is on his own at college to hear appreciation.
My 20-year-old son recently gave me a birthday card
that read on the front "Running away seemed like such a good idea
in those days". Upon opening the card it continued, "I'm so glad you
never did!"
You may be surprised to later learn that your son
admired your ability to take his "guff" without reacting during the
tumultuous adjustment of adolescence. Act in a manner that he will
be able to admire (and role model) in the future. His children will
thank you for it!
