QUESTION: My husband had a job transfer
that took him out of state. I have a great job and made the decision
not to move at this time. I am now alone and trying to raise my 16-year-old
son. (We also have an 18-year-old son, who just went away to college.)
My younger son will not listen and is very rude to me. He thinks that
he can go anywhere and do anything he wants. We were always a close
family. I get depressed because I miss my older son and my husband.
Why is my 16-year-old so rebellious? How can I deal with this difficult
situation?
ANSWER: You are in the midst of two
concurrent life transitions, both of which are major. No wonder you
are feeling depressed. It is natural for you to grieve your 18-year-old
son who has left for college. He was your first child and his departure
marks a full cycle of motherhood. This transition alone would cause
significant upheaval in your household, but you have not only lost
your eldest son, but your husband's presence in the home. You must
feel very alone, but you must remember that you still have one child
in the nest who very much needs you right now!
Your 16-year-old son has experienced a loss of his
only brother from the home. At the same time he has lost his father's
daily presence. He is a boy left alone with a grieving mother. Perhaps
it is he who is truly the loneliest of all! Anger often masks sadness.
It is possible that his rudeness and rebellion are his answers to
feelings of abandonment, or perhaps unconscious pressure to be "the
man of the house" now that both of the older males are absent.
Do not give up on him! Instead, talk first with your
husband about your own feelings of abandonment. You are launching
your first child without the loving presence of his father for easing
the pain. You and your husband have shared raising him together, but
you are apart for this major transition on the family's life cycle.
Depression and a strange sense of emptiness are common for parents
at this time. Share as much of this experience with your partner as
possible. Write letters, e-mail and check in with each other daily.
You are very vulnerable right now, and your husband is the main person
you need support from in processing feelings about the half-empty
nest. His support will give you greater reserve to deal more effectively
with your younger son.
Stay in touch with your older son at college. Check
in with him so that you remember he is gone from the home, but he
is not lost to you forever. And begin spending time with your younger
son doing some things together that can be enjoyable. Go out to dinner
at his favorite place. Catch a movie with him, if possible. And ask
your husband to make a concerted effort to connect with him and let
your youngest know he has not been forgotten! Work out a plan with
his father to parent from a distance, relating often with your younger
son about his life at school, at home and his future plans. Remember
that he is at an age where he needs your support in establishing future
options for college himself. Do not forget his needs in your sorrow.
And finally, talk with your son about what is going
on for you. Reconnect with him, as this time presents an opportunity
for the two of you to grow closer, not further apart. Express your
feelings about the tremendous change in your family life, the loneliness
and the feeling of being lost at sea. But let him know you are happy
he is there! And that you want to be available to him at this very
important period in his life, as does his Dad. Ask him about his day,
his school work, social activities and establish a schedule together
that reflects the fact that the two of you are holding down the fort
together. Have him cook once a week, shop for groceries or other necessary
household activities that are reflected in an allowance of some kind,
or, for example, in exchange for use of the car, if he drives.
Your household for the moment, consists of the two
of you. A major shift in roles and responsibilities is in order. Your
husband is still your partner, though he is not in the home right
now. Lean on him for strategies, planning and reinforcing rules the
two of you establish with your son. But remember that although you
are experiencing major life transitions, your son is, too. These teenage
years are a growth period for him, and the thrust is towards independence,
yet due to your family situation the needs are just the opposite.
Because of your husband's absence, you need to depend on him more.
This in itself can cause your son stress, in addition to the simultaneous
losses of his brother and father in the immediate situation. Without
his Dad present to steer through the family changes, he may feel even
more than you do...like a ship without a rudder. Though you need not
accept rude behavior from him, it may help to realize that his rudeness
may express his anger at both you and his father for what he experiences
as sudden abandonment.
You have gone from being a family of four, with two
parents, to a single parent and child family structure all in one
fell swoop. No wonder you are distressed! Due to the enormity of changes
you are experiencing in the family it may prove useful to enlist the
help of a competent family counselor who can help facilitate talking
about these changes and focus the two of you on rebuilding a structure
that works in your family's present transitional state. The two of
you must establish successful ways of functioning together. And it
is critical that your son's needs for guidance not be ignored, as
he will soon follow his brother's launching.
Though it may feel as though the family exploded on
your youngest prematurely, he will soon realize that he is not abandoned.
Reconnecting with your son will open opportunities for mastering this
new situation, rather than becoming overwhelmed by it.
