QUESTION: Help! (I'm sure you've
heard this many times) :) I have a 13-year-old teenage son whom of
course is going through the "WHO AM I and WHAT AM I". My son has a
terrible time in facing his chores or homework. When I arrived home
last evening around 9:00pm he was just beginning his homework. The
dishes had not been put in the dishwasher, he had a water fight with
the teenage neighbor and left his wet clothes lying on his bedroom
floor. Now, was I wrong to get upset? At this point I put him on restriction.
He then tells me I'm not being fair. What should I do? I'm only trying
to teach responsibility.
ANSWER: Maintaining your perspective
is crucial to raising teenagers. Since your son is on the honor roll,
he is not disrespecting his education. Your problem does not reflect
immorality but rather a struggle for autonomy and control. His adolescence
has upset your former order in the household. Clearly, some guidelines
need to be established, but being overly critical will lead to greater
disharmony. And a mutual lack of respect can lead to a rupture in
your relationship at a period when maintaining connection is vital
to the immediate years ahead of you!
You are also witnessing the natural disorganization
that comes with hormonal upheaval. Remember that physical changes
are careening internally, causing excitement to erupt in your son's
life. And this eruption is creating a certain loss of control over
your life that you are not accustomed to! Time is an important measure
of independence. We all want to be in charge of the way we spend our
time and making choices is essential to our sense that we have some
"control" in our lives.
Adolescence requires a major shift from parents. Try
changing gears from a parental authority figure that dictates rules
to a friendly authority that sets a framework for your teenager to
experiment with making independent choices. Your son is at the beginning
of his adolescence. He needs contact and a commitment with you that
promotes his sense of autonomy in making decisions. Start with choices
around his own scheduling of study, chores and socializing. Establishing
independent decision-making is necessary for self-direction. It is
good news that your son is not only academically, but socially involved.
Your difficulties are with his choices in timing and creating an atmosphere
which couples his responsibilities to the family with his growing
independence.
It is also important to consider that he may need
more parental guidance, but in a different form than when he was younger.
If he has alot of independence in the form of being home alone or
without parental contact during the day, his behavior may reflect
a loneliness based on a need for more meaningful connection and discussions
of such things as "fairness". By making room for discussions of ideas
about "fairness" and other philosophical issues, rules can be established,
and autonomy can take the form of passionate discourse. Allow yourself
to be influenced by his feelings and needs and show him that you do
respect his right to express himself and be understood. Even though
you may not completely agree or entirely understand him! At least
he will feel your effort to treat him as an equal, soliciting his
ideas and opinions.
At this age, his natural outlet for not having enough
parental connection might be to maximize his freedom. This could include
experimenting with his schedule independently and choosing to ignore
household rules. His need for parental contact in a new form may be
eclipsed by his obvious motivation to "belong" to his peer group.
But do not be fooled! Though he is vulnerable to his needs for a peer
group, he also needs your guidance to set up a different kind of connecting
with you that satisfies his needs for greater autonomy, but honors
his need to still depend on you. Tricky, huh?
Perhaps you would be wise to consider relenting on
the timing of his study schedule, and simply establish appropriate
house "rules". Let him know that he does have privileges of an adult
that are earned by his taking part in the daily functioning of the
family (chores). Be specific about his phone being a result of his
contributions. Do not dictate the times of his chores. Instead find
ways to allow for him to make choices within certain parameters. For
example, dishes need to be done by 8 PM. He can do them earlier, however
if they are not done by that time, he will not be allowed the privilege
of phone conversation until he has finished them. The chore becomes
tied to his responsibilities rather than to punishment doled out by
a parent.
Changing gears in this way, allows your teenager to
reflect on his choices and gain mastery of his schedule. But do not
misunderstand my message. There will be a period of flux and change
in your household. You will need to tolerate not only pointing out
and structuring the opportunity for decision-making. But you will
also have to develop some tolerance for his choices as he experiments
with different times, and (as if that is not enough change for you,
the parent) react neutrally to his initial cries of "injustice" when
he suffers the inevitable consequences you have described to him.
When the cry of "injustice" does echo, simply reiterate
that it is his choice to do the dishes by a certain time in exchange
for the adult privilege of talking on the phone. Maintain a matter-of-fact
tone and your stance that it is not a punishment but a consequence
of his choice of scheduling. Be sure to reinstate his adult privileges
as soon as his dishes are done without delay. This will ultimately
give him a sense that he can indeed have control!
Creating an atmosphere in which discussions can take
place may limit the amount of "acting out" behavior if such conduct
is an expression of his need to separate from you. He can remain connected
by talking with you and separate by expressing a different opinion.
Talk to him about his experience of his day. Consider with him what
might be the best time for his studies. What does he think? Is it
best to socialize after school after having classroom schedules all
day? Would he do better to focus on homework after dinner in the evenings?
Engage him in a discussion that includes his views, even if you do
not agree with them. Realize that he is separating from you, and this
may be upsetting to you. But seek contact with him that communicates
respect and belief in his ability to make choices about his own schedule.
He may need your help with organizing strategies,
particularly when he enters high school, at which time there will
be greater impetus for new organization to succeed in a more complex
environment. But for now, if he is in junior high school ( or middle
school), he needs discussions and guidance which gradually leaves
more choices to him. Expect him to try some outlandish things (including
staying up too late), but trust he will create an appropriate balance
when he experiences the consequences of sleep deprivation that follows.
Spend time with him doing some quality activity you
can both enjoy together if at all possible. And even though you become
angry or annoyed with this phase of his development, maintain the
activities which bring you some time together. Even having dinner
together can serve this function of sharing valuable time and letting
him know that you want to be with him.
It is at this time that we as parents must show our
children what we want them to value by doing it. It is very tempting
to reflect annoyance, criticality and a true lack of respect for your
teenager. (Afterall aren't they acting like "idiots"?) Instead, try
treating them with increased respect. Take the attitude that they
will respond to you with greater consideration, as you relate to their
needs in a positive and curious manner, rather than a deprecating
one.
And remember to use humor as your best ally in letting
go of some of the control you enjoyed when your children were more
"obedient" and well-behaved. You are in for a few years of ruckus
in the household, but this is the price of sharing your life with
a teenager. Sometimes I have found it useful to (almost) pretend that
my teenager was two years old, but with a bigger body!
All teasing aside, there is some resemblance between
the two periods of childhood. Both represent periods of development
in which conflict between independence and dependence prevails. And
though your adolescent appears to want only his freedom, he also has
significant needs for guidance into what it means to be an adult.
Consider him a "beginning adult".
Consider also that you may gain spiritually, from
experiencing some humility during this period. Your ability to react
with neutrality instead of supreme indignance will most probably prove
satisfying to you in the end. It will also help you bridge the "gap"
with discussions and activities that keep you connected. I often think
of Martin Luther King's words, "The measure of a man (woman) is not
when things are going well, but when they are not..."
Adolescence challenges our growth as parents to develop
into that which we preach. I found this to be a period in which I
had to learn increased patience and tolerance for modeling the very
behavior I wanted to imbue in my own children. Perhaps you will find
some personal jewel beneath all the hard work. Afterall, diamonds
are formed when carbon molecules are crystallized under pressure!
