QUESTION: Do adopted adolescent
girls tend to demonstrate more hostility towards their adoptive fathers
as they seek to solidify their own identity? How can an adoptive father
help his daughter learn respect and yet allow her to become her own
person?
Can temporary, out of home placement, be helpful
to emphasize to one's daughter the inability of dad to tolerate her
sarcasm and seeming outright rejection of and hostility to him without
her feeling unloved and rejected?
ANSWER: Adolescence is a time of separation
and discovery of self and anger is a separating emotion which can
abound during this period. Adoption may increase the intensity of
this growth period, as can other issues that have remained latent.
It is difficult enough to face the usual demands of finding an identity
as a teenager. The additional reality that your biological roots may
be a mystery only adds to the natural stress of this period.
Developmental psychologists sometimes describe adolescence
as a repetition of the earlier "rapprochement" phase of childhood
which occurs around the age of two years. During this early age, a
child is preoccupied with his or her autonomy, yet needs continual
reassurance and support. This conflict between independence and dependence
earned the unfortunate label of "the terrible two's". Tantrums result
from the imposition of limits on a child who is pushing the boundaries.
Eventually, this conflict resolves when a child is able to establish
appropriate autonomy in the context of support.
To some extent adolescence recapitulates the "rapprochement"
period but the child is much older and the stakes much higher. If
the "rapprochement" phase was resolved with suppression instead of
true mastery of some level of independence, the unresolved conflict
from this period will surface at this time. Additionally, adolescence
is charged with hormonal and other physical changes that can exacerbate
moodiness and "bad" behavior in general.
The idea of "temporary out of home placement" as a
consequence for disrespectful behavior is extreme. Realize that if
you chose to take this action, you are saying to your daughter that
problem solving includes banishment in your family. Since this is
quite severe, I would recommend saving it for a very extreme situation,
perhaps one of repeated illegal activity rather than merely disrespectful
behavior. Surely, there are other recourses for consequences than
banishment from the household. Seek instead to hold your self-esteem
in your own hands instead of putting it in your child's hands. You
are still the parents. Take a non-reactive approach to words and attitudes,
but set clear limits regarding behaviors. By "behaviors" I mean the
contracts that you have with your teenager regarding their responsibilities
to themselves and to the family. If they do the dishes because it
is their chore, but they do it in a surly mood, accept that they have
fulfilled their contract. Do not expect them to reward you with a
pleasant face or attitude at this time, but do expect them to follow
through on their responsibility.
The more non-reactive you can be to the emotionality
of your teenager the better. Model a sense of security in yourself
and turn to your wife or husband for support and complaining about
the things that bother you. You are one another's shock absorbers
for the roller coaster ride that can be adolescence. Accept that she
may disrespect you for the next two years, at which time if you do
not retaliate and damage the relationship she will come to not only
respect, but be grateful to you for accepting her in her full expression
of anger and rage. Do not make it an issue unless her behavior becomes
verbally abusive to you.
For example if swearing at you is common, you might
make a rule that there is to be no name calling in the house. This
of course includes the parents! Consequences for name calling might
include no car or TV privileges. When the rule is broken, simply enforce
the consequence, but do not retaliate emotionally. I used to put the
consequences up on the bulletin board when my 15 year old son would
swear at me. I felt so empowered, and it usually resulted in calming
him down! He eventually learned to control his own emotions. I was
also aware of using this period as a time of healing past childhood
wounds that reopened for him, and it became a time of healing and
taming the rage that lived within him.
If you know your daughter has some unresolved issues
related to her adoption, it is possible that this anger is being expressed
to the authority figures she is living with now. Talk with your husband
and try to identify a larger perspective for her current behavior.
Strategize a plan so that you set appropriate limits about behavior
and contracts for responsibilities, but allow her feelings and attitudes
to be her own. Talk with one another about the feelings of sadness
or disappointment that might be behind your own anger and attempts
to solve the problem by "controlling" her attitudes. It is not unusual
for 14-16 year olds to dislike and disrespect their parents positions
on things, only to feel loving and appreciative by 17 or 18. Is it
hormones or maturity? Perhaps the choice is ours in terms of how maturely
we handle our children at these difficult times in their development.
What is clear is that if you are able to absorb your
daughter's aggression without overreacting with punitive behavior
of your own she will grow to respect and appreciate you for tolerating
her right to have her feelings but setting limits on any tendencies
to act these feelings out through abandoning responsibilities or becoming
truly abusive. Separate her feelings and attitudes from her actions.
Teach her by your example to do the same. And she will learn how to
handle her own teenager in the future without taking it so personally!
