QUESTION: My oldest son (almost 19)
spends almost all the time that he is at home on the Internet and
it has become a major problem My husband and I have talked to him
until we are blue in the face - short of kicking him out onto the
street - is there anything we can do to save our family's peace of
mind?
ANSWER: Your son may be having difficulty
adapting to the "real" world. He may need some guidance from you in
order to be able to build skills that he seems to be lacking at this
time. Perhaps he is exhibiting a cyberspace depression, hiding from
interactions with the world by getting on the internet. If so, you
are right to believe that he is addicted. The instant interaction
with cyberspace may give him a temporary boost to his flagging self
esteem, but will not build the life skills needed to feel confident
and competent in the real world.
Your son is an adult and needs clear direction from
you and your husband about what your expectations are of him at this
point in his life. Create a contract that defines his responsibilities
to the family in return for living at home. Be clear about house rules.
Let him know it is an adult privilege to live at home and requires
specific responsibilities on his part.
Tell your son that you support him "finding himself,"
but that this must include either work or educational goals aimed
towards his development of self-sufficiency. If he does want to remain
living at home, come up with a requirement for rent payment at least,
or completion of courses if you agree to support him through his education.
In addition, let him know what the house rules are for living with
adult roommates, which he is now!
Talk with your husband about what parameters are required
in this new situation. Perhaps you have never before had adult roommates,
only children. So you may not have given any thought to what your
requirements would or should be in such a situation. For example,
under what conditions can the television or telephone be in use? What
are the duties required of such an adult roommate? Issues of noise,
space, food and respect must be addressed. Necessary boundaries need
to be established. In doing so, you will help your son to raise his
own self esteem as well as improve the conditions in the family.
If your son does not want to live with established
rules, responsibilities and goals in your house, then ask him to research
other alternatives. Schedule a meeting to go over alternatives such
as the cost of living with other young adults, possible living arrangements
in exchange for work possibilities, or partial support to begin living
independently if he has realistic plans for study or work training.
When discussing these things with him be sure to point out his strengths
as you see them. Reflect to him his positive qualities. Do not humiliate
or treat him with disrespect. Help him address his future in a supportive
and realistic manner, including helping him connect up with resources
for exploring educational or job opportunities that would truly help
him "find himself." Travel opportunities, internships abroad or other
training alternatives could be possibilities for helping him achieve
the goal of this point in the life cycle, which is to become increasingly
financially and emotionally independent. Help him assess his strengths
as well as weaknesses to determine what would be in his best interests
at this point in his development as a young adult man. Even his interest
in computers and cyberspace could provide a useful avenue for developing
skills or training that could contribute towards achieving the goal
of independence.
Do not be harsh or rejecting, but do expect and emotionally
support your son to begin facing taking responsibility for the rest
of his life. He is a beginning adult, but he is an adult. Gently,
but firmly reflect this as fact, not punishment. And let him know
you are behind him to help focus his energies on what goals he needs
to have in order to develop a sense of himself in the world as an
independent young man. Do not make him feel that it has to happen
all at once, however do not back down from clear expectations to follow
the house rules if he is to remain living with you for now.
It is your job to help your son launch himself into
the world. This may require effort on your part. Reflect back on how
your parents launched you. Did they help you prepare realistically?
Did they assess your needs and help you come up with a plan for reaching
your goals? Sometimes as parents we expect our children to do what
we did, without the kind of preparation we had to meet the real world.
This is particularly true when we were given little and had to make
it on our own. When we feel we have given our children so much more,
we expect them to have the same skills that we had at their age. But
in reality our children may not have had to develop from a place of
want. And giving our children a "better" life may have left them with
little experience in developing the competency we may have enjoyed,
despite our struggles.
It is natural for your son to need your support in
identifying and structuring his goals at this time. Be patient and
non judgmental about his current lack of structure. But insist that
a plan be developed and rules be respected! In this way, you are preparing
him to cope and eventually succeed in the outside world.
