QUESTION: My ninth grade daughter
has become interested in a boy of a different race. This type of thing
could potentially tear my extended family apart. At her young age
(she is 14), I'm not sure she is mature enough to understand the implications
of such a relationship. Can you give me some advice?
ANSWER: At 14, your daughter may not
be extremely mature about relationships in general. However, it is
not maturity that is at question here, but prejudice. Every generation
has its' own discriminations. Your daughter's peer group may or may
not carry the level of intolerance that exists within your extended
family, or even your immediate community. Regardless, teenagers will
challenge family belief systems when hypocrisies arise. This is the
nature of adolescence. And as the mom, you may find that your own
values come into question, too.
You may know very little about your daughter's interest
in this boy, except that he is of a different race than your own.
If she continues to show interest, perhaps you can find out more about
the kind of person he is and what attracts her to him. Your anxieties
may be somewhat quelled when this boy becomes a person to you, rather
than an unknown object of fear. Studies on prejudice show that exposure
to racial and cultural differences relieves ignorance, and in general,
increases tolerance.
This situation presents an opportunity for pain and
for growth, whether or not your teenager ever dates this young man.
Discussions about the topic of interracial marriage may likely be
something that comes up in school as well as at home. Having these
discourses, rather than avoiding them, will help ease the tension
you feel. Ignoring the issue will not make it go away. Talking about
it provides an avenue for realistic anticipation of what your daughter
will face in the family. A discussion about her interest will likely
present the opportunity for you to express your fears about your family's
bias against interracial dating.
Family researchers describe the period of raising
teenagers as a "transformation" in the family system. As teens develop
their own values, glitches in the moral fabric of our lives is accented.
The thrust of the adolescent's quest for truth and identity pressures
us and sometimes threatens our comfortable equilibrium, but gives
us a chance to reflect.
If this young man returns her interest, and if some
level of friendship or dating develops, you may be faced with two
choices: to support your daughter or to remain loyal to your family's
interracial dating bias. Which will it be? Think deeply about your
dilemma, as it is nothing short of soul-searching.
