QUESTION: My teenage daughter
told me she does not plan on having intercourse, but she (and her
friends) see no problem at all with having oral sex. I was absolutely
floored and didn't have a clue how to handle it or what to say. Any
ideas?
ANSWER: Your teenager is ignoring the
emotional ramifications involved in becoming sexually active. Her
psychological readiness to share her body with a sexual partner deserves
special consideration, whether she is contemplating oral sex, intercourse
or mutual masturbation.
Let your daughter know that having sex is an intimate
experience with both emotional and physical dimensions. After all,
Monica Lewinsky professed a deep attachment to the President, despite
having had only oral sex. And her sense of rejection did not appear
lessened by the fact that she did not have intercourse.
Do not be thrown by your adolescent's arbitrary statement.
She may be speaking provocatively in order to stimulate having a discussion
with you on the subject. Certainly, if her concern was only about
pregnancy, then oral sex might be her answer. It is your job to point
out to her that pregnancy is not the only issue here.
Do not be intimidated to speak frankly and directly
to your daughter about sex. It is your teenager's job to challenge
-- and yours to answer the call by letting her know your beliefs and
philosophy. Have the same kind of discussion with her that you would
have about intercourse. This is an opportunity to share your values
with her as a woman, as well as a mother.
If you truly believe that sex should be nurtured within
a loving and committed relationship, tell her why. If you believe
that trust is an important prerequisite to sexual vulnerability with
another, explain why you believe it will make a difference for her.
But do not stop there!
Banish any myth that oral sex equals safe sex. Though
rare, it is possible to contract HIV orally, presumably if open sores
in the mouth are present. Since the mouth is susceptible to undetectable
lesions, oral sex is no guarantee of safety from HIV or other sexually
transmitted diseases. This includes herpes.
But physical health is not the only point. Your daughter's
developing sexuality and her self-perception is at stake. How she
relates to her sexuality now will lay the foundation for how she values
herself in future relationships with men. Also, her self-respect rests
upon how she perceives she is treated by others. If she chooses to
sexualize a relationship, it is important that it be a positive experience
that increases her sense of value rather than decreases it.
Emotional health and self-esteem hinge upon meaningful
relationships with others, whether they are sexualized or not. Sex
can alter the definition of an existing relationship. It is a big
step that requires responsibility for another person. If trust is
important in friendship, why wouldn't it be critical in a sexual relationship?
Help her to anticipate these changes and evaluate how she might feel
about having sex with someone, after the fact.
Use this as an opportunity to connect and discuss
sex with your teen, rather than avoid it. Your teenager's sexual development
and interest can also bring up vulnerability for you, too. If so,
sort through your feelings with your husband or a close friend, so
that you can speak openly with your daughter.
If you never had this kind of discussion with your
own mother, you may find it particularly awkward at first. But if
you talk through your initial discomfort, you will likely find that
your relationship with your daughter deepens. She might even be secretly
relieved for your guidance on the subject.
