QUESTION: I'm in ninth grade and
I want to be a candy raver -- someone who wears colorful clothing.
The problem is that my mom doesn't want me at the parties. She is
understandably afraid that I might be exposed to drugs, but I've already
seen them all. The news has ignored the real message behind raves:
to spread energy from within, not from drugs. What should I do?
ANSWER: Your mom is the boss, but she
may be open to discussing your concerns. Let her know that you appreciate
her fears about drugs, but that you are attracted to the positive
things you ascribe to raving.
Keep in mind that your mother may not be as worried
about your behavior as she is about the responses of others who do
not have your best interests at heart. Party atmospheres vary. Your
mother may fear others' interpretations of your raving. For example,
one young woman of your age dressed in a manner she found attractive.
She was well developed, and she enjoyed low cut, tight blouses and
short skirts, which showed the outline of her bottom. She was smart
and she was pretty! And she believed she was enjoying the power of
her womanhood and indeed she was. Still, while waiting in front of
the theater for her ride home, many older men approached her in ways
that made her feel uncomfortable. She was unsure of how to interpret
their attention. Her mother pointed out that these men may have believed
she was sending them a signal that she wanted to be picked up. Certainly,
this was not her fault; however, her mother's observations helped
her decide the parameters of her manner of dress, given the way others
around her might interpret it.
Talk with your mom about the parties you attend and
why you feel you are safe in these atmospheres. Listen to her feelings
on the matter. She may have life experience that can truly guide you.
And your mom may agree to these parties if the two of you establish
guidelines for your safety. If so, stipulate that you will call her
in the event that you ever find yourself in an unsafe situation. Discuss
how to recognize these situations and make a written agreement, or
"contract for life and safety." This contract should recognize that
you may not always be in control, but that you can call her for help
from any party, with no questions asked until the following day. Many
parents and teens have found such a contract invaluable in maintaining
a connection through the experimental period of adolescence.
It is your job to experiment, but it is everyone's
responsibility to keep you safe. Parents may not always be right,
but they have a perspective that may prove valuable to you. And remember
-- your parents are the adults who have your best interests at heart!
