QUESTION: My husband really wants
a second child but I've been having second thoughts. Our first child,
a fabulous, healthy daughter, is 21 months old and is everything I
ever wanted -- and she is very demanding. Sometimes I worry that at
36, I may not be able to handle another bundle of energy.
On the other side of the coin, I love kids and
do think that a sibling is always beneficial. Any insight would be
appreciated.
ANSWER: You will not mother "two" the
same way you mother "one". Shifts in responsibilities and relationships
occur which make way for developing patterns for nurturing that succeed
in families with greater than one child!
Remember too, that having "older" children is also
on the "other side of the coin". Enjoying family activities like skiing,
camping and card games are much more fun with more family members.
The more family-oriented you are, the greater your enjoyment when
the early period of labor intensive physical (and emotional) caretaking
wanes.
The early years of caretaking are in many ways the
hardest, in my opinion. Once children reach the age of 8 years, there
are many activities they can be helpful with and much enjoyment to
be had in family outings. Giving children chores which get things
done and help raise their own self esteem is a good formula for success
in the middle years of childhood.
You already feel that siblings are a "plus" to one
another and you love children. No doubt you would miss not having
another around in the next 5 years, more so in the next 10 years (adult
relationships with children can be extremely rewarding!) and perhaps
even more so when you are a grandmother. (you hope!)
In your case, your husband is clear that he wants
another child and you seem to want another, but are having difficulty
imagining exactly how you would fit another one in right now. What
could he do to make another child easier for you? Are there ways he
could share in caretaking that would be realistic and give you more
confidence in being able to manage two children?
It is true that many people have subsequent children
because their "vision" of family includes more than one child. This
is a forward vision which parents are responsible to hold for the
family! I do sympathize with your position of having to make a decision
to add another child at a time when you are raising a two year old!
Still, it is your job to try to see beyond the immediate to the future
and weigh the pros and cons of your decision.
You do not have the luxury of being younger than you
are, and time is growing short. Talk with other women your age who
have had two children in their mid to late thirties. Evaluate what
you would need to have another child. Do the resources you have to
care for two young children balance against your future vision of
having a 10 year old and a 7 year old? a 17 year old and a 14 year
old? a 30 year old and a 27 year old? And when you grow old, and when
you die, it is possible that two children who have a shared a life
together are happy to have one another. But that reward also depends
upon the bonding your children experience growing up together.
Evaluate resources, "pros" and "cons" and visualize
having one child, and having two children at three different future
points in time. Discuss with your husband what comes up for each of
you, and evolve what your vision of family is, now and for the future.
