QUESTION: My partner and I are thinking
about trying to conceive. He has said that he believes you are ready
for a baby when you can take care of yourself and still have more
energy and love to give. How can we be sure it's the right time?
ANSWER: Your spouse's definition speaks
to an important part of the picture. Certainly, our ability to give
to others is based upon what we have inside. The ability to give to
a child with some modicum of ease requires that we ourselves are nurtured.
However, the fact that this explanation comes from the man who would
parent with you is what makes his words much more significant.
Ask your husband to extrapolate on the meaning of
his definition. Further explore your own meaning for having a child,
what you feel you have to offer what you feel you would enjoy, what
would be difficult and what would be easy? How will parenthood change
your life, your relationship now and in the years ahead? Are you ready
for the changes that would result?
What is your vision of parenthood and child rearing?
What is your husband's philosophical views on this matter? How did
your respective parents raise children? What did you like about how
they did it and what would you change in your own family?
Your relationship is the foundation for your family.
Children flourish in an environment in which the love and cooperation
between parents is strong. Your readiness for parenthood must include
a shared vision for how children should be raised and a workable plan
for raising them. Speaking to other parents and discussing how you
see others raising their children would also prove enlightening.
Finally, there has to be "heart" to your decision
to have children. All of the best "formulas" of experts cannot tell
you whether or not you are ready to have a child. This answer requires
soul searching.
Parenthood is a matrix for our own as well as our
children's development. Your question holds not only practical concerns
(which can be addressed through the suggestions above), but implications
for that which is truly unknowable. How do we prepare for that which
we cannot yet see or feel? How will we answer challenges we have not
yet identified?
One of the best preparations I know for becoming a
parent is to view it as a deeply spiritual calling. Parents grow through
a plerotha of challenges, some known, but many unforeseeable on the
family journey. A parent's journey can be a large part of their personal
spiritual development. By this I do not mean necessarily a "religious"
approach of any particular kind. I mean an understanding that committing
yourself to something long term requires that you take responsibility
to follow through in the best way possible.
Getting help along the way should be an expected part
of the journey, though you do not know exactly what this help will
be or what particular form assistance will take. Your character and
the kind of person you are is forged through periods that require
great faith and dedication. Your marriage is the crucible in which
you develop much of yourself and the nature of who you are. The parenthood
you share is another vessel which allows for great maturation and
depth of character to develop.
Like any endeavor of great magnitude, parenting requires
planning and some sense of faith and trust in your ability to handle
the unknown. Rest assured that you will give much and you will gain
much. Are you ready? Only you can decide!
