QUESTION: I just found out my
wife of one year is two-months pregnant and am very excited about
the birth of our new baby. My wife, who generally does not eat healthfully,
now wants me to eat whatever she has to and won't tolerate me eating
anything else. Her mood swings are terrible. I don't know what to
do?
ANSWER: This is a tremendous period
of change, psychologically for you both, and physically for your wife.
Let her know that you love her and are there to support her through
the pregnancy and childbirth, but that you cannot experience the physical
changes exactly as she will. Ask her to share any resentments or negative
feelings she has about the pregnancy. Do not shy away from hearing
her feelings, and be careful that you do not pressure her to have
only positive feelings and anticipations for this child or her pregnancy.
But do set limits on her unrealistic desire for you to experience
her pregnancy through her physical hardships.
It is natural for your wife to experience mood swings
related to enormous changes in her body at this time. Be sympathetic
and proactive in helping her adjust to early discomforts of pregnancy,
including nausea and tiredness. Her body is doing a tremendous amount
of work, but it is so far invisible to most people. Let her know that
you do not expect her to do everything she has been doing, and consider
that the first trimester is a period of adjustment. She will likely
appear more emotionally stable to you as she enters her second trimester,
and her body is better adjusted to pregnancy.
You are becoming a father, while your wife is becoming
a mother to your new child. Though it will be important to share equally
in your responsibility to care for this child, your roles will be
different at varying periods in your family development. These responsibilities
will need to be negotiated based on many different things, but pregnancy
and childbirth are certainly not experiences that can be shared 50/50!
As your wife enters the second trimester of pregnancy, she will be
more likely to be able to focus on the future. For now, accept her
resentments that she is the one who will physically experience the
changes (good and bad!) of carrying your child. And when she is willing,
engage her in more fruitful discussion about the coming changes of
parenthood in your life together.
When your wife has found her equilibrium with the
pregnancy, begin to discuss your feelings with her. What is fatherhood
bringing up for you? How were roles and responsibilities in your family
shared? What is your vision of the kind of relationship you want to
have with this child when he or she is born? How do you anticipate
sharing caretaking responsibilities? Ask your wife what becoming a
mother means to her? What kind of relationship did she have with her
mother? father? And what kind of family relationships does she envision?
Include and discuss concerns and particularly fears about becoming
a parent. And ask your wife to tell you her feelings about pregnancy
and upcoming childbirth.
It is also important to discuss your feelings about
becoming a father with other fathers and fathers-to-be. It is through
your relationship with other men that you will be able to feel an
affiliation with your community and establish a strong sense of identity
as a parent. Include your wife in your growth, but do not depend on
her to share in all of your preparations. Seek out other men at this
time to share your frustrations and anticipations. My book, An Easier
Childbirth, offers exercises for pregnant women to share and experience
with their husbands as they travel through the pregnancy.
Do not panic about your wife's current emotionalism.
There may be much she is afraid of that she has not begun to share
with you. Her experience of her childhood family relationships will
serve as a clue to concerns that may igniting her resentments. The
quality of her relationship to her parents, and her perception of
her parents marital relationship come up as key issues during pregnancy.
Attune yourself to her experience of being female in her family. Were
women respected? abandoned in parenthood? devalued or valued as mothers?
Did she see her mother's experience of pregnancy, childbirth and parenting
as empowering or shameful? Did she view her mother's role as a parent
to be positive or negative? Naturally, there is much to be explored
and it cannot all happen at once.
Avoid getting overly frustrated by expecting to get
all of what you need from her right now. Expect to develop discussions
about feelings as the pregnancy progresses. Attend prenatal visits,
learn about nutrition, and plan on attending childbirth classes together.
Your wife will no doubt open up to you as she experiences
the baby move (about 4 months gestation) and prepares for childbirth.
But your feelings about becoming a father need not wait for her! Seek
out support for understanding yourself and the tremendous changes
that the pregnancy is bringing up for you as a new father. Explore
your relationship to your own father and the ways you want to experience
fatherhood in your family life. And congratulations on becoming parents!
