QUESTION: I am 27 years old and have
been happily married for nine years. We have two great kids -- a son
who is eight, and a three-month-old daughter. My son was born by cesarean.
Though my daughter was a planned VBAC, her birth was very difficult
(15 hours!) and painful. I still am having nightmares about the day
she was born. I go through the entire labor in my dreams. Even while
I'm awake I have daydreams and can hear the sounds in the delivery
room (they used a vacuum extractor on me). I remember ALL the pain
and how out-of-control I felt. Is this normal? Am I nuts? Why is this
happening?
ANSWER: You are not crazy. Labor and
childbirth is an impactful experience, which needs to be integrated
due to its enormity. Because the experience is devalued, attention
to women's needs to prepare adequately and to process the birth following
delivery is greatly neglected in our society.
It is true that labor is painful, and preparing to
cope with it actively is important in order to feel some sense of
mastery of the physical experience. But even without realistic preparation,
and after the fact, talking about the experience can help you to better
integrate it.
Let's take a look at how much went well in your birth.
You were able to deliver vaginally in 15 hours. Given that she was
your first baby to come down your vagina, this was excellent time.
The average total time for a first baby is generally about 24 hours.
Though you needed help to push her down, she came through the birth
passageway even though you were quite distressed with the pain. Perhaps
you were shocked by the sensation of labor and did not expect such
intensity. It is natural to feel afraid when you are faced with sudden
unexpected pain.
But let's go back a moment, and imagine that you had
the help of a doula (labor coach) and your husband who was able to
help you breathe and even yell your way through contractions. Supported
with the sense that you would make it through, and resting in between
contractions would have helped you feel less traumatized by the process.
In fact, women who are supported through the birth and realistically
prepared for actively coping with pain, often feel a sense of empowerment
afterwards. And it is not too late to create a visualization (perhaps
with a friend's or even a professional counselor's help) of doing
just that. Refer to my book An Easier Childbirth for help creating
a healing visualization for a past childbirth.
Labor and birth is a powerful force that is nothing
short of an ordinary miracle. It is an experience of great dimensions.
It can be very positive or very negative, but it is not neutral. Women
deserve support to integrate the magnitude of this experience, which
is so denied and misunderstood by society and many in the medical
profession.
You are right to pay attention to your feelings about
the birth. Address your experience through visualization and/or counseling
so that you may integrate the depth of this experience instead of
feeling overwhelmed by it. The experience of labor is a part of you
that needs assimilation in order to resolve your sense of trauma.
And like any event of great magnitude, learning about ourselves with
respect to it can yield insight.
With support, you may find that you uncover a deep
appreciation for yourself and a new realization of the strengths within
yourself that brought forth your daughter's life!
