This all came to a head this summer while on holidays. In a temper, our son threw a toy and hit our daughter in the head. I felt that he needed discipline and asked my husband to attend to it while I calmed our daughter down. He gave our son a little tap on his rear and then hugged him because our son was crying.

I was furious that he was sending mixed messages to him about discipline. I told him this and he told me that I as a cold b**** towards our son. I feel that he has made me into the sole disciplinarian, because his discipline is erratic and unpredictable. We have tried talking about this before, and for a while, he is good. Then after a while, he slips back into his old ways.

This is the only bone of contention in our relationship. He is a loving doting father and a wonderful husband otherwise. Can you help me?

ANSWER: It appears that your husband is over-identifying with your son's emotional pain, while ignoring his son's needs for clear limits. You are correct in your assessment that he is giving double messages which will end up confusing your child. It is your husband who is confused, but this is no excuse for verbal abuse or undermining your authority in front of your son!

Your spouse is a great Dad with a blind spot about his son's "crying". He is not accurately responding to his child's needs. It is likely that he is projecting unresolved pain from his childhood that is distorting his parenting abilities. Your husband is missing the fact that children need limits to develop a sense of the other person's feelings. This is the way they learn empathy. Without developing and ability to empathize with others, your child could experience difficulty with relationships in the future. The ability to develop and sustain relationships is a key element to a healthy life. Discipline at this age is a part of helping your child develop empathy for others.

Let your husband know that there are at least three good reasons to become motivated towards consistency in discipline. Firstly, your three-year-old does need to know that love includes limits, and his parents are the best people to teach him this because they love him! Tell your husband that if he does not set limits now, your son will be faced with learning appropriate boundaries from strangers who may have little or no affection for him. It is in his son's best interests that his Daddy who cares for him, teaches him not to throw objects at people, rather than learning limits the hard way.

Secondly, misconstruing a child's tears (in the above example) for extreme emotional pain may create exaggerated responses from your son in the future. It will leave the door open to the potential for manipulative behavior which could cause even greater escalation and confusion about what constitutes "too much" pain for your son as time goes on. And thirdly, marital discord increases when parents do not resolve conflicts. Failing to create parental teamwork in your partnership creates division which can have damaging effects on your marriage over time.

Make it clear to your husband that you expect him to reinforce the rules you make together. Do not accept name calling and ask your husband to consider the roots of his difficulty with effective and consistent discipline. Parenting classes and popular books on child rearing that address discipline such as "Discipline Without Spanking or Shouting" by Jerry Wyckoff and Barbara Unell may also prove useful, particularly if your husband is at a loss for age-appropriate guidelines.

Consider couples' counseling focused on resolving parenting conflicts if your husband continues to experience difficulty in approaching discipline as a parental team. You have so much that is great together, why let this spoil your otherwise loving situation? Nip this problem in the bud before it has a chance to cause further damage!

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