QUESTION: My son, our first child,
is not even a year old and I would love to have another baby. Everyone
tells me I would be biting off more than I can chew and that it is
best to wait. I want to do what is best for my family. Is it really
too soon to be thinking about another child?
ANSWER: Whether you are "biting off
more than you can chew" is something only you can determine. Much
depends on your own goals, your desires for your family and your present
family resources. It is not the number or timing of children that
assures success in parenting, but thorough consideration of your emotional,
economic and physical resources!
You must attempt to project your needs into the future,
your child's needs and to the best of your ability, predict your family's
future economic and emotional stability. Quite a tall order, I realize!
Naturally you cannot completely know the future, either, and things
out of your control will no doubt come up to rock the boat.
It is a common recommendation by psychologists that
children be spaced at least three to three and a half years apart.
The reason for this is to not add stress of a sibling to the early
formative stages of a child's life. Babies and toddlers thrive on
undivided attention. Even when you talk on the phone, a young child
will feel the loss of your emotional energies, which are temporarily
focused elsewhere.
As a child nears the age of two, he or she experiences
considerable stress involving conflicting needs around dependence
and independence. Tantrums and frustrations may be temporarily on
the rise. Adding a sibling at this time increases the stress of this
period, giving a child the potential for increased feelings of abandonment
and rejection due to tired parents and energies focused on a new baby.
Introducing a new baby during this developmental stage can sometimes
result in exaggerated rivalry which can influence the sibling relationship
for the long term.
By about three years of age, it is believed that children
come through the struggle to be more independent, and have succeeded
in identifying their limits more appropriately. It is also hypothesized
that the three year old has internalized love to some extent, and
therefore has greater ego strength and security. They have developed
what psychologists term "object constancy" meaning that they are less
susceptible to feelings of abandonment and rejection when their immediate
needs are not met instantaneously. They can endure greater frustration
because they know Mommy or Daddy loves them and will be there as soon
as she or he finishes changing the baby's diaper.
Now, to come back to thorough consideration! Many
other things influence the way a child will mature. When assessing
the answer to your question you should take into account the personality
and traits of the baby you have now. From your knowledge of him, how
do you think he will fare to add another sibling in another nine months
(or so)? How long do you anticipate it will take you to get pregnant?
Is there any rush? For example one client couple chose to have their
children two years apart, not because they felt it was ideal, but
because there were fertility issues involved. Their chances of conception
went down with age.
What are your reasons for having a child soon? for
waiting? Write these down and discuss your concerns with your husband.
What does he want? What kind of parents do you want to be and what
kind of family do you want to have? Will having a child now facilitate
your goals together, or diminish them? Do you have the energy and
resources between you to parent the way you want with two children
at this time? What do you and your husband believe about the pluses
and minuses of having children less than two years apart (assuming
you will get pregnant right away)?
Do not underestimate the value of your own belief
system about your family and what is best. In truth no one can tell
you what is best in your situation, and much is determined by the
beliefs of the two leaders (Mom and Dad) in the family. Your feelings
and attitude will permeate and can influence children substantially.
For example, if you believe it best to have children close together,
and are realistic about your energies and resources, your children
will absorb the messages and beliefs you hold about the family. When
large families are happy families, beliefs about the primacy of children's
needs and the parents true enjoyment (and fulfillment) in their roles
seems to supersede the importance of spacing.
You are doing a good job to be taking concern and
consideration of your situation and energy seriously. Your son is
fortunate to have a thoughtful mother who weighs these very important
life decisions carefully!
