QUESTION: I have a problem. I just
found out I'm going to have my third baby. When I told my husband
(of 8 years) he was very upset and almost seemed mad. I'm very upset,
he won't even tell his parents about the baby. I've tried talking
to him, but he just walks away, when I bring up the subject. What
can I do to get him to talk to me or tell me why he's acting like
this? I would love to hear your advice because I can't go through
9 months of him not talking to me.
ANSWER: Your husband is clearly unhappy
with some aspect of this pregnancy and what it means for him. Why
he is feeling this way is important for you to understand, but taking
his feelings out on you in this manner will solve nothing. Perhaps
you, too, have feelings both negative and positive about the pregnancy.
Make room for feelings in the family. If necessary, seek professional
counseling to find a safe place to express what is brought up by this
situation.
If your husband continues to give you the silent treatment,
write him a letter about how you feel. Let him know that you can accept
his angry feelings or his sad feelings, but that his silence is damaging
your marriage. It is critical to the health of your marriage to find
out what his behavior means. But you are not a mind reader!
Reflect, too, on what your previous discussions or
plans have been regarding parenthood. Have you talked about how many
children you both wanted? What the repercussions are to other members
of the family of having a new addition soon? There should be some
clues to why this is precipitating a crisis of this proportion right
now. If you are totally in the dark, then the two of you have deeper
problems than this current situation.
On the other hand, if you do know something about
what is upsetting him, try to state it in your letter. Even if it
is something negative about yourself, that he feels to be true. Reflecting
feelings that should be obvious to you in the context of past discussions
about children could help him feel that you will listen to him when
he does speak. And that it will be safe to express negative feelings
to you. Be sure that you are able to listen when you do ask him to
share. Making a safe place for airing strong feelings is the first
step towards finding a resolution for the troubling and disturbing
emotions your husband must be experiencing right now.
Family researchers have documented the fact that entrances
and exits from a family cause the highest level of stress in adjustment.
Your husband is having a very difficult time adjusting to the addition
of another family member at this time. Let him know you understand
that he must be in extreme pain to be shutting you in this way. And
that you need him as your partner right now to work this through.
Acknowledge any of your own negative feelings about the pregnancy,
as well, so he will not be alone with expressing the down side of
this experience. If you "hog" all the positive feelings, he will be
left to express all the "negative". This kind of polarization is usually
false and leads to unresolved and repetitive conflict.
Ask yourself what is positive about having this baby?
What is negative? Be sure to include the effects of another child
on your couples' relationship and your other two children. Include
this in your discussion with your husband, once you get past his silence
and initial pent up feelings. Then, continue your discussion by formulating
ways to address the concerns that arise, once you are talking again.
Your husband is having a very intense reaction. It
is his job to put his feelings into words. But it may be incumbent
on both of you to understand what has contributed to such a total
breakdown in communication in your family system. In general, these
kinds of over-reactions are signs of deeper conflict that has not
been addressed. Is your family system one that covers things over,
only to explode at a later point?
Some attention to what has allowed for such pressure
to build would be advisable. A teapot whistles when water has reached
the boiling point. This whistling is a signal to reduce the heat.
With no release valve, explosion is inevitable. Is your husband's
silence the best that he can do to protect you from his explosion?
Or is this his usual way of expressing displeasure? Either way, there
is work to be done on the couples' relationship. Perhaps this is the
gift that this pregnancy has brought to light!
