QUESTION: My husband and I are trying to get pregnant, and parenting issues have already surfaced. Other than taking expensive classes, what can we do to insure we are ready to face these issues? Are there any particular books you recommend? Issues to discuss? I don't feel comfortable letting my "natural instincts" handle this.

ANSWER: The psychological work of pregnancy includes clarifying the kind of parents you want to be. We all begin with blueprints from our childhood experience. Sorting through the ways you felt your own mother and father parented will leave you with things you want to incorporate into your parenting and things you do not. The following exercise is one that can help you begin this exploration.

EXERCISE

Role-play your mother while answering the following questions about you as a child. Have your partner ask these questions of you. Fill your own name in the blank. Repeat the exercise role-playing your father. Do the same exercise with your spouse role-playing his father and mother while you ask the questions of him. Take time in between each set of questions to discuss the feelings, thoughts and reflections that arise from answering these questions about your mother and father. You may also want to take time following each set of questions to discuss together how each of you were parented, and what you want to repeat and incorporate in your own parenting and what you do not.

Topics that are important to you will naturally come forth for examination. Continue discussing these topics during the course of the pregnancy. Ask yourself what kind of mother or father you want to be. Also, ask your partner what kind of parent he thinks you will be. Share with him the kind of father you think he will be. Include the positive and the negative. The questions below can serve as a guide for this discussion:

Working together as a team to address these issues is the beginning of your parenting partnership! Remember that it is your job to criticize the last generation, in order to make improvements in the next. Criticizing how your parents raised you does not mean that you don't love them dearly. It means you are simply doing your job in determining from the vantage point of the present how well their leadership worked and where it failed. And remember that it is not possible or necessary to be a "perfect" parent. There are none! But it is feasible to be what the famous British pediatrician and child psychiatrist D.W.Winnecott was fond of calling "the good enough" parent.

RESOURCES

Very helpful information on becoming parents, including exploring new roles and expectations for mothers and fathers in our generation can be found in the third chapter of psychiatrists' Karen Johnson's book, "Trusting Ourselves" (Atlantic Monthly Press) as well as my articles on the family on the parentsplace.com web site. My book "An Easier Childbirth" (Shadow and Light Publications) also assists couples in preparing for the psychological aspects of pregnancy and becoming family together. New and expectant parents groups may also be available in your community. New fathers groups can be particularly helpful to men during this transition. Talking with other men about fatherhood provides important camaraderie that a wife cannot offer -- as do mothering groups assist women in finding their own voice as new mothers. Dr. Bruce Linton's articles on fatherhood also available on this web site are a great resource for new dads. Use them!

And remember that you will adjust and adapt to your child over time. Meeting your baby for the first time will be an event of great magnitude in both your and your husband's lives. But getting to know who your child is, what she or he responds to, what makes her or him happy, sad, glad or mad is a lifetime endeavor. You will learn and grow as you go! And you are not alone, you have one another to lean on.

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