QUESTION: I have three wonderful children
and I am trying to decide if I should try for a fourth child. My instincts
say yes, but my head says no. I know this is a very important decision
that can affect my whole family. I was a fourth child. How can I decide
if I should stop at three kids or try again?
ANSWER: You are right to give careful
deliberation to this important decision, as it does impact other family
members. Assuming that you have struck a happy balance with three,
it is understandable that are pulled between the joys of having another
child and afraid to upset the wonderful balance you have achieved.
Try taking a deeper look.
Your instinctive desire to have four children may
be fueled by an impulse to recreate the family structure of your own
childhood. It is common for women to develop an urge to have the same
number of children as their own mother. Consider whether your impulse
for a fourth child comes from being one of four yourself, particularly
if you were the last. It is natural to have an emotional attachment
to the position in the family that you occupied as a child. It may
not be reason enough to become a mother to a fourth yourself.
Consider, also, whether there is anything you are
avoiding by having another baby, such as developing other interests
or activities. Answering the following questions will not tell you
what the future will be if you have another child, but it can help
you clarify what decision is right for you and your family. It can
help you to separate motivation driven by fantasy, from a realistic
vision of the future.
Read through the following two-part exercise. First,
ask your own questions. Journal them if you like. Take time to reflect
on your answers before inviting others into a discussion about their
views, in part two of this exercise.
