QUESTION: I am a stay at home mom. My
kids are 13, 12, 10 and 7. My problem is that my children are not listening
to me and do not follow my instructions, except when they see me angry.
They do listen to my husband right away. I feel things are getting out
of control and I would like some suggestions on how to turn this situation
around.
ANSWER: In order to gain the respect
and cooperation of your children, you must consider consequences other
than your escalating anger. Clearly they believe their father means
what he says. Why is this so? You will benefit from observing the congruency
of your husband's communication (verbal and nonverbal) and the follow
through that occurs if they do not do as he says.
Your children will respond to you if: 1) there are
clear and consistent consequences for not doing so, 2) you are giving
clear messages regarding what you expect, 3) your expectations are
age appropriate and 4) there are no messages that would undermine
your authority in the family. In other words, it is important that
your husband reinforce your authority to the children. This will assure
that they will not go to the other parent for the same request the
first parent has just denied.
Explore your own childhood role models for clues
to what is ineffective in your current parenting style. What were
the rules in your childhood and how were they upheld? Was your mother
effective in her communication in the family? Were both parents capable
of disciplining the children? Or was one of your parents inconsistent
in maintaining the rules? If your Mom was the "softie" in the family,
you probably did not respect her authority because she lacked follow-through.
This is the most common cause for your current problem.
It is also possible that if you do play the "softie" you get something
out of it in which may be advantageous or convenient for you in the
short run. But you pay the price of inconsistency in the long term
when you resort to angry yelling to try to "get them to listen this
time". In these circumstances, children are left to observe whether
you "really mean it" by how angry you look or how loudly you shout!
This wears you out and it literally means that the consequence becomes
how angry you are. No wonder you might feel that things are getting
"out of control". This puts you and them on an emotional roller coaster.
Instead, decide what the rules are and be consistent in what you ask
of them.
Helpful books on parenting such as "How to Talk So
Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber and
Elaine Mazlish or "Discipline Without Spanking or Shouting" by Jerry
Wyckoff and Barbara Unell may also be helpful. Keep in mind the guiding
rule of consistent consequences.
Discipline is most effective when carried out calmly
and matter-of-factly. Say what you mean and mean what you say!
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