QUESTION: My wife is pregnant and
at the end of her first trimester. We used to have a wonderful sex
life. Soon after she became pregnant, even before we were sure she
was, she started to have mood changes and began ignoring me. We have
stopped making love and she doesn't want me to touch her. She said
that she would prefer me as a friend and not a spouse. Is this change
caused by pregnancy hormones and will it go away?
ANSWER: Your wife's hormones have no
doubt precipitated many changes, including a very real increased sensitivity
to her body. These physical shifts may have caused her to react negatively
to your touch. The key here is not to jump to long range conclusions
based on this transition. Your wife is right to want to develop a
deeper friendship, but this does not have to abolish sex!
Your wife faces the emotional work of pregnancy, which
requires that she integrate the role of motherhood into her self-identity
as a woman. Like a Rubic Cube, our psyches sometimes experience difficulties
rearranging all of the squares into a whole. Conflicting tensions
surrounding her adjustment to becoming a mother and being your wife
may create temporary disharmony. Do not despair! These are growing
pains in your marriage, but you can get through them together with
your sexual relationship intact.
Nausea and tiredness in the first trimester commonly
depress sexual desire. It is possible that the second trimester will
bring more stability and even increased sexual drive. But it is also
important to understand the emotional meaning of what your wife is
experiencing. Open a dialogue about what it means to be a mother,
a father and how you both envision the nature of a healthy relationship
between partners.
Is it possible that your wife is mistaking her current
lack of desire for the end of her sexual needs in your relationship?
If so, why? What was the nature of the relationship between her parents?
Share the examples you have inherited from childhood about the sexuality
of your parents' relationship. Prior to pregnancy, you both enjoyed
being sexual with one another. However, when we enter the realm of
parenthood, we become vulnerable to repeating an experience of what
our parents said and did with each other.
This is a time to funnel some of your sexual energy
into an exploration of what it means to become parents together, but
it is not a death knoll for a sexual relationship. While it is true
that your sex life may slow down at various points in your marriage,
it may also pick up when your adjustment to parenting has been established.
Early years of parenthood does bring stress due to the intensity of
physical, primary caretaking of young children. But it is important
to maintain your physical connection to one another through these
years, rather than allow it to atrophy.
What is critical to the overall transition to parenthood
is that you carve out time to be together, as friends and as lovers!
You can begin now, by creating time to be romantic, whether or not
it leads to sex. Find ways to be together physically, by taking warm
baths, giving massages and increasing the frequency of hugs. All of
these activities keep you physically connected.
Do not be rattled by your wife's emotional changes.
This is your marriage, too. Find your voice and take the lead in the
challenge to integrate your upcoming roles as parents into your relationship.
Let your wife know that you do not see this as an "either/or" situation.
Friends can be lovers and your children will benefit from parents
who are capable of being both to each other.
