QUESTION: I am 20-years-old and I
have been thinking about having a baby. I know I am young, but I've
been married for more than two years. Every time I mention this desire
to my partner, he says that he is scared to have a child at this time.
Should we wait?
ANSWER: Do not act on blind impulse.
Becoming parents is one of the most life-changing and irreversible
decisions you will ever make! The best gift you can give your unborn
child is for both parents to feel ready for his or her birth.
Your husband's fear is a mature response to the profound
responsibility of fatherhood. You get credit for choosing a responsible
man to marry! No doubt his concern bodes well for becoming a father
in the future. Use his disquietude as a positive impetus for discussing
the prospect of parenthood seriously.
Now that you have introduced the topic of having children,
develop your vision of family through discussion -- not actions. Find
out what your partner's fears are and consider his feelings. Do you
have any of the same kind of trepidation? Or are you letting him do
all the worrying, while you fall prey to romanticizing the changes
motherhood would bring to your relationship?
Most likely, you are in touch with the positive aspects
of making a family, and he may be feeling the negative impact that
a baby might have on your lives together. See if you can stand in
his shoes, and, in exchange, ask that he entertain your vision for
becoming parents together.
Does he see children in his future? If so, what goals
need to be reached in order for him to embrace parenthood? Is it possible
for the two of you to work together in setting goals that would lead
to a shared readiness for this undertaking? For example, are there
financial or personal growth goals your husband would like to see
achieved, for himself or for you, before becoming parents together?
You mentioned that you are "young." You are in your
early years of finding out who you are in the world. Perhaps waiting
could provide you with more life skills and a deeper understanding
of who you are before taking on the great responsibility of becoming
a mother. Consider the possibility that you may be avoiding finding
your place in the world as a woman. Be careful that you are not taking
any shortcuts in your own development. It is highly beneficial for
you to know yourself, and take care to deepen your own development,
before you become someone else's mother.
Perhaps you are letting your husband express your
own hidden fears. Make plans together that embrace your readiness
for parenthood in the future, and consider other venues of personal
development in the meantime.
There is plenty of time. Your baby will wait for you!
