QUESTION: I have a 15-year-old daughter
and a 12-year-old son. We were surprised by my third pregnancy, but
we're very happy and looking forward to the upcoming birth. Do you
think it is a good idea for my two teens to be present as I labor
and give birth to their sibling?
ANSWER: Children who are realistically
prepared for the natural intensity of labor and birth can gain from
being present at the birth of a sibling. But factors that must be
considered are your teenagers' desire to be present during the labor/birth
process, as well as your partner's and your comfort level with their
involvement.
First, consider your own needs. Visualize having your
children present during labor. Does this create any tension or intimidation
for you? Naturally, some tensions may be reduced during preparation
and discussion of childbirth, but your own energies toward dealing
with the contractions must also be anticipated. It is important that
you are not preoccupied with anxiety caused by your son and daughter's
presence.
Secondly, ask your husband what his feelings are about
being with you during labor, as well as what his emotional availability
might be to your children. Does he see himself focused exclusively
on you during labor, or will you also have a doula (childbirth assistant)
or other birth attendant you will rely on for emotional and physical
support?
Thirdly, honor your children's desires. Respect their
need not to be included in certain parts of the process, and maintain
an "open door" policy that allows them to change their minds, if they
find they do not want to stay with you during labor or view the birth.
After all, nature is unpredictable, and flexibility in your planning
will allow your teenagers to participate in ways that will not overwhelm
them.
Some teens are very ready for this experience and
gain maturity and joy from the process. Others are not ready for this
kind of intensity, and shy away from being present at their mother's
labor and birth, but enjoy doing other projects (cooking, cleaning)
to prepare the home for their new sibling.
Whether your children attend the labor and childbirth,
just the birth and not the entire labor, or greet this new sibling
soon afterwards, your family can use this opportunity for greater
bonding and growth.
I believe that including your son and daughter at
the birth of their sibling can be a tremendously powerful and rewarding
family event. My opinion on having children present at birth is in
general a resounding yes, IF the process of including your children
at birth is a positive (and flexible) one that can adjust to meet
the needs of all involved.
Also, if your teenagers do opt to attend the birth,
keep in mind that they are particularly vulnerable to life's intensities
and will need education, support and an available person who can answer
their questions as they arise.
But remember to put your own needs first. Take care
that you do not lose yourself in mothering others while in labor.
Giving birth is a time when all of your energy should be focused on
you!
