QUESTION: My seven-month-old baby
still does not sleep through the night. She cries whenever I put her
down to sleep. I have to hold her and often pick her up in the night
so she won't cry. I try to give her what she needs and wants, but
no sleep is driving me crazy! I want to try letting her "cry it out."
Is it right to try to control her sleep patterns?
ANSWER: You are the parent. Your child
depends on you to be in charge of making decisions in her best interest
and this includes sleep. Take some time to consider whether this approach
is the right one for her and for your family.
Contrary to popular belief, the method developed by
Richard Ferber does not simply advocate "crying it out." In her book,
"The Sleep Book for Tired Parents", Rebecca Huntley describes the
differences between Dr. Burton White's "cry it out" approach and Richard
Ferber's "small steps" approach.
Regardless of which method you choose, success will
largely be determined by your own comfort and confidence in the chosen
approach and its fit with your child's temperament. Assuming you are
reading your baby's needs, ( most parents are) your baby will respond
to your calm and confident message that she can fall asleep on her
own. Sounds good, right? But how do you get there when you are unsure
yourself?
Consider the following guidelines that outline the
philosophy and what is necessary to succeed in this approach. If these
are a "fit" for you and your baby, there is no harm in trying it out.
1) Your baby needs encouragement to get to sleep.
This does not include your "help" to achieve this process. This belief
is the foundation for this method. Sounds tricky? Not really. Ferber
believes that most babies over the age of six months can find their
own way to sleep. Helping a child by lying down next to them or rocking
them to sleep, is viewed as interfering with the child's ability to
get to sleep by herself. It sends the message that the child is not
capable of getting (or expected) to sleep on their own.
2) Encourage and reassure your child. This
method requires you to give your child a clear message that they can
go to sleep on their own. Checking on your baby, intermittently, calling
out to them to reassure your child that you are there and giving your
older baby a "cuddly" toy for comfort are ways to reassure without
negating this message.
3) Create a soothing nighttime ritual. Ferber
encourages bedtime rituals. Reading a story before bedtime, talking
about your child's day (with older children) and a soft lullaby can
encourage a child to wind down from the day's activities. A ritual
brings the two of you together, before separating through sleep.
4) Determine your own tolerance for crying.
Ferber's method requires that you are able to tolerate your baby's
crying without undermining the approach. Parents are encouraged to
set a time limit on the amount of crying you can accept. Five minutes
is a suggested interval to start with, progressively increasing the
time you are out of the room to 10 minutes and finally to 15 minutes
the first night. This is followed by beginning at 10 minutes the second
night and 15 minutes the third night. A parent comes into the room
at these intervals, for one or two minutes, only to reassure a child
with calm, steady words and a gentle pat, then leaves. Calling out
from an adjacent room may also reassure a child and is recommended
by some pediatricians as a modification to this approach.
Remember, that if you use this method, you should
NOT be present when your child goes to sleep. Staying present until
your baby is sleeping is a common way that parents undermine this
approach. Keep in mind that much of the tension and guilt parents
feel about how to get their children to sleep has to do with their
beliefs and experience of separation. Like saying good-bye, saying
"good night" can bring up a sense of departure. It is wise to reflect
on your interpretations of your child's cries and separate any past
abandonment in your life from your child's situation. This method
will not work if you believe your child is suffering abandonment,
rather than adjustment.
Babies, especially, cry in order to adapt. It is one
of their normal responses to adjustments of all kinds. It is up to
you to determine whether your baby's crying is one of adapting to
changes that are in her best interests, or distress which requires
you to adapt to your baby. Your job as a parent is to establish a
healthy balance for meeting your needs, as well as your child's. Establishing
sleeping patterns in the household that everyone can live with, is
no exception. Your child's security depends on your leadership, as
well as your love. Do not shy away from taking charge. Your baby will
benefit more from a mother who is rested, than one that is exhausted.
