QUESTION: My partner is Jewish
and wishes to have our baby-to-be circumcised. Although I find the
Jewish faith to be culturally rich and spiritual, this one aspect
I find primitive, outdated and abusive. This is upsetting me greatly.
I'm afraid that I may not have any choice in the matter, as there
does not seem to be any middle ground for compromise. Is there anything
we can do to reach a neutral position?
ANSWER: This conflict represents a core
issue, which touches on primal feelings for both of you. The manner
in which you handle this decision will set the tone for your parenting
relationship. Your partner is no doubt deeply steeped in the cultural
and/or religious implications of his faith and believes this procedure
is in the best interest of his child. However, you do not view your
child's best interests through the same lens in this situation. Your
very strong negative feelings about circumcision also needs to be
heard and understood by your husband. Resolution requires extensive
discussion and soul searching on both sides.
The decision of whether or not to circumcise should
result from a thorough understanding of each other's perspectives.
The resolution that will evolve from understanding one another is
unknown. It is the process of being willing to delve deeply into what
both of you perceive as painful and to truly understand the nature
of that experience which will allow you to feel connected. As you
view it now, one of you will have to initially sacrifice your position.
Stay open to the potential for this empathic process of discussion
to be transformative in some way that you do not now comprehend or
anticipate.
First, research the medical procedure of circumcision
and the medical statistics as you would with any operation your newborn
would experience. Do not shy away from this exercise. It is a part
of knowing that you are both fully aware and willing to accept the
risk and pain involved. Express your feelings without accusation.
Ask that your partner be open to your experience and the impact of
this physical procedure on his child. Should the two of you agree
to circumcision, you must know that he is not in denial of your perspective,
but willing to accept whatever real jeopardy or distress is involved
for what he may believe is a truly greater benefit.
Next, thoroughly listen to your husband's feelings
and the emotional meaning -- both religious and personal -- that this
procedure holds. Do not denigrate one another in the process. Be open
and gather information about the various ways circumcision could occur:
in a hospital setting, at home with a rabbi, with or without anesthesia,
with or without parental and family presence. Put yourself in the
place of your child. Visualize a variety of different possibilities.
It is our job as parents to try to imagine our child's experience
and to weigh the benefit/pain ratio. Imagine the most positive outcome
possible from your husband's perspective and ask him to do the same
from your perspective. Seek out the experiences of other parents in
your similar situations who have had positive experiences on both
sides of this decision.
Ask your husband to imagine he is not circumcising
his child, and live with that visualization for a day, while you simultaneously
"try on" his best scenario and imagine it for a day. The process of
delving deeply into the primal feelings involved, expressing and imagining
the other's perspective may likely yield some kind of middle ground
you are not yet aware of as a possibility.
Though difficult, this is an opportunity to gain deeper
self-knowledge, as well as an understanding of your partner's experience.
You may discover that your husband's issues revolve around his own
masculine identity and being "different" from his son if he is not
circumcised. Other issues can include siblings being "different" from
one another. A family might resolve that differences between their
sons were simply a part of their individuality. Simply having a safe
atmosphere to entertain different possibilities and express deeper
"unpopular feelings" may yield a variety of ways that your husband
might find to emotionally resolve personal issues which result in
forgoing circumcision.
Some mothers in your situation have found a way to
embrace the decision to circumcise by adopting a more "humanistic"
approach to the "bris," which includes holding the child, administering
wine and breastfeeding immediately afterwards. These mothers accept
that their love lies in the bonding to their child through some adversity,
which they are willing to face with their newborn. They believe their
presence buffers the physical trauma, making it a bearable ritual
with positive implications for the child's development in the family,
rather than an abusive experience for their newborn. Other fathers
in your husband's position have adapted by having a bris ritual in
the spirit of the "covenant with god" without circumcision.
This is your first major parental decision. Conflict
that is resolved from empathy unites rather than divides. Invite your
husband to join with you to lay a foundation for solving problems
together. Work to find a compromise that leaves your son a legacy
of connection and cooperation rather than division and polarization
surrounding the atmosphere of his arrival into your family.
