QUESTION: My eight-year-old is overweight
and children at school bully him. Recently he came in second in the
50 yard dash and his classmates said they wouldn't be his friend because
he didn't come in first. How can I help him lose weight and make some
friends?
ANSWER: Your son is becoming the scapegoat
at his school. You are right to be concerned for him. Now is the time
to teach him a successful philosophy for coping with the slings and
arrows of life. Your actions can spell the difference between character
development or a negative self-image that sticks.
Talk to your son about the definition of friendship.
Let him know that a true friend will value him regardless of his performance
or his weight. Ask him to separate real friends from bullies. Show
him how to direct his attention to his successes and nurture an attitude
of self-respect.
A martial arts such as Akido, or some other form of
physical discipline, can help him develop self-esteem and a healthy
attitude toward adversity. Boys of this age are apt to embrace the
concept of the "spiritual warrior," which teaches the power of believing
in themselves, despite negativity from others. He can begin to develop
a positive inner voice to combat outer insults.
Teach him how to approach adversity by talking about
your own similar experiences as a child and what you learned. Help
him to "fight back" by refusing to allow others to take his accomplishments
from him. Point out, too, that children often respond in this way
because they are jealous of his success: Insults temporarily make
them feel powerful. Let him know that when children (and adults) bully,
they are compensating for their own feelings of inadequacy. After
all, could the kids who taunted him about not coming in first at the
school race even place at all?
If your son's weight is a health issue, bring this
up to him. But do not give him the message that if he loses weight
he will have friends. This association would only further reinforce
looking outside of himself for winning acceptance. Help him identify
healthy foods and assist him in eating healthy because his body deserves
it, not for social reasons.
Help your child succeed by not having a lot of junk
food around the house. Establish an engaging schedule of after school
activities so that he does not turn to food for comfort out of boredom.
Instead, create opportunities for him to be successful, whether it
be swimming lessons, karate, art or music.
Stay in touch with your child about his daily school
life. Be willing to strategize with him about the best responses to
scapegoating. Help him identify the children who do respond favorably
to him and direct him toward these relationships.
Talk to him about what defines a good friend, as well
as how to be a good friend to others. Comfort and soothe him when
he is down. Help him to recover and direct his energies toward his
after school activities when his school day has been difficult.
As your son directs his attention towards his successes
and garners the attitude of a "warrior," he will likely thwart the
children's attempts to manipulate him. His lack of response to their
demands will cause them to grow bored of teasing him. Then he will
be on his way to making true friends. If you use this school experience
as an opportunity for learning, he cannot lose!
