QUESTION: Recently, our sons, aged
10 and 13, viewed an X-rated video that my wife and I received as
a gag gift. My wife and I are extremely upset at ourselves for not
getting rid of the video immediately, and upset at them for searching
through our closet. What should we do now?
ANSWER: Do not become so overwhelmed
with your own guilt that you emotionally charge the situation with
greater intensity than is already present.
Mistakes happen. It is how we handle them that contributes
to our children's character development. Use this opportunity to talk
with your children about sex and sex videos. This may be the first,
but it is not the last time they will have access to adult material.
Reflect on the possibility that this video represents
a growing curiosity about sex that needs a safe outlet. Your thirteen-
year-old may need to talk with you about normal sexual feelings he
is having. Perhaps he is experiencing erections or wet dreams but
has not found a way to come to you with his questions. Provide him
with a safe place to talk about his budding sexuality. The impact
of the video will diminish as discussions between you and your sons
grow.
Focus your attention on a way to openly discuss what
was viewed. Ask them what they saw and how they felt about it. Answer
their questions honestly and clearly explain your specific concerns
with their viewing the video. For example; the video is distasteful
because it devalues woman, or it confuses sex with violence, or it
does not teach safe sex, or any other ways you as parents specifically
disagree with its message.
Use this event as a springboard to communicate your
own basic values about the meaning of sex and love between a man and
a woman. Take a matter-of-fact approach to the reality that this kind
of product is "out there" in the world. Do not put your head in the
sand. You will gain their trust with your honesty. Let them know that
you want to be the one to answer their questions rather than leaving
them scrambling for their information from less reliable sources.
But do not be afraid to answer with "I don't know" if that is your
most honest reply.
And lastly, consider that your ten-year-old may be
affected differently than your teenager. Tailor your discussion to
meet your younger child's concerns, but make yourself available to
answer your teenager's questions in greater depth. Let them know you
are willing to talk to them about any topic that arises in their lives.
Be sure to initiate checking in with each of your
sons in the next two to four weeks to see how they are processing
the experience. You are likely to find that your guidance and accessibility
will have a comforting effect!
Although these may be difficult questions to face,
being willing to talk about uncomfortable subjects will open communication
on the road through adolescence. If your children can turn to you
for help, destructive influences are more likely to be diffused with
education rather than dangerous experimentation.
