QUESTION: My eight-year-old daughter
has begun to speak to us in a rude and disrespectful manner. She is
very bossy and really resents being told what to do. When we are in
public, she is very well-behaved. Is this normal for a child of her
age?
ANSWER: Your daughter's behavior is
both normal for her age and no doubt reflects a part of her own developing
personality, too. Contrary to popular belief, testing limits can occur
throughout childhood, not only in the toddler and adolescent stages.
The fact that your daughter is well-behaved in other
social settings indicates that she is pushing the limits at home to
see how far she can go in a safe environment. It is also possible
that she is overaccomodating in other situations and saving all of
her resentment for you. If so, she feels safe expressing herself at
home and may be letting off steam for "holding it all together" in
other places. If she does possess natural leadership qualities, it
is more likely to be the former rather than the latter. She may simply
be trying out her administrative talent on you.
Consider your observation that she "resents being
told what to do" at home. Could this quality result in anything positive?
If so, begin to reflect this to her. For example, "You really like
being your own boss" or "You like being in charge of things." Also,
look for activities that are non-problematic which reflect this, too.
Does she have things she can be in charge of and feel proud about?
Taking on responsibility for feeding a pet, for example, can help
channel her "bossy" energy without challenging your authority.
Accept her feelings of resentment, but let her know
your requirements and expectations about her behavior. Be specific
about the "rude" behavior you want her to change. For example, if
she omits "please" or "thank you", and simply gives orders or makes
demands of you, take the approach of teaching her better manners.
You might tell her that she is being rude and the consequences for
it. Do not respond to her requests without a "please" and take things
away from her when she does not thank you appropriately.
Let her know who is "boss", but stop short of squelching
her strong, independent nature and you will both be happy with the
outcome!
