QUESTION: My nine-year-old becomes
frustrated very easily when things go wrong. He is a good athlete
and enjoys sports. When he plays ball, he is all smiles as long as
he gets a hit, but, if he strikes out, a very obvious change comes
over him. He dwells on the negative, and can't seem to put it behind
him. Ultimately, he walks off the field crying, with his head down.
He does the same with his school work: If he doesn't understand immediately,
he gives up. Any suggestions?
ANSWER: Your son's negative spiral is
indeed something to be concerned about. He must learn to not give
up when the going gets tough. Do not despair. He is still young, and
there is time to turn his negativity around.
Your son has become his own worst enemy at a time
when he most needs his resources to meet the challenge facing him.
Clearly he wants very much to achieve, and is searching for his happiness
only in success. While this is natural, it is not too early to help
him begin to develop a more mature outlook which will yield him greater
success and happiness in the long run.
Ask your son what he expects of himself. Does he believe
that it is possible to hit a home run every time he goes up to bat?
Does he expect that all school work will be easy? Does he think that
he will always win and never be on a losing side? Gently direct his
attention to stories of baseball players and others who have risen,
then fallen, then risen to glory again! He will be interested to hear
that his own heroes have, at some point, lost or failed. Give him
details about how each may have surmounted their difficulties and
made a comeback.
Help him find value in the struggle. Sit with him
through his despair. If necessary, give him time to pout, but let
him know that you want to have a talk with him when he is feeling
a bit better. He will eventually learn that there is no giving up
or running away from this issue because the consequence will always
be to talk about it with you later! Over time the consistency and
patience of your own approach to this problem will begin to sink in.
As for school, require that your son develop a thorough
approach to his homework. Make a practice of checking it before allowing
him to call it quits. Do not respond to his bad moods by giving in
to him. Let him know that you are there to help him if there is something
he is having difficulty understanding, but that you believe in his
ability to "think through" the problems at hand.
For example, ask him to talk out loud to you when
reasoning through a math problem. By doing so, you will be able to
slow him down and help him develop an inner dialogue which will keep
him focused. His eventual success will be his reward. You may learn
that he simply needs to develop skills for concentration. If you feel
he is still struggling after several attempts to help him conceptualize
and strategize, consider a consult with an education specialist to
assess the possibility of learning disabilities.
It is possible that he is experiencing difficulty
in school due to learning problems which have not been recognized.
Comparing himself to others may have led to lowered self-esteem and
a propensity for simply giving up. He may be overcompensating by looking
for success in sports, resulting in unrealistic expectations of himself
and an over-sensitivity to failure. If so, his negative attitude is
more likely to be a cry for help than a problem with his temperament.
Explore the roots of your son's frustration, offer
help, and expect change. Do not allow your son's "bad attitude" to
win. Let him know you believe in him, but stand firmly against his
self-defeating behavior. Finally, introduce him to Thomas Edison's
quote, "Success is made up of 10 percent inspiration and 90 percent
perspiration!"
