QUESTION: My five-year-old son started
out kindergarten beautifully, but has totally regressed in the last
month. I have met with the guidance counselor and his teachers. He
gets so anxious that he will make himself vomit before leaving for
school. His teachers say that he's reluctant to join in activities,
but is excelling in all other areas. Things are now getting very tense
at home. My husband and son are constantly fighting. I'm at the end
of my rope!
ANSWER: Your son is exhibiting a stress
reaction to a new situation. Starting school is a major adjustment
and your reactions to his distress can either compound or diminish
his ability to adapt. As parents, our job is to serve as "shock absorbers"
to the often harsh realties that are a part of our child's life.
Your child is doing great in all areas but one. Have
patience with him. For some reason he is shy of joining in group activities
that are social in nature. But he is excelling at all the rest! His
anxiety is real and he deserves your tolerance and understanding.
Become increasingly curious about his tension surrounding school adjustment
rather than tense or judgmental.
Ask his teacher if your son has had any specific negative
experiences or reactions to other adults or children while at school.
If he is not reacting to some particular trauma, it may be the case
that he is experiencing some difficulty with understanding social
cues. Or he may be experiencing pressure to "succeed" at school in
some exaggerated way. Perhaps he is a perfectionist of sorts and needs
your help to relax and have fun in his new academic realm.
He will need to build confidence in his ability to
enjoy school as he masters whatever it is that is causing him fear.
Overstimulation in new situations can be overwhelming to any child.
Try to grasp for yourself what he is feeling in this situation. Accompany
him to school and stay with him for the first half hour. Put aside
judgment and "try on" his experience. He may be overly stimulated
by large groups of children playing boisterously in strange surroundings,
particularly if he has not experienced crowds of children in the past.
Some children need more familiarity before they feel safe. Once he
has figured out the rules, he may feel safe enough to join in. It
is possible that your calming presence may help him bridge his fears.
Also, check with his teacher about whether he seems
to be enjoying the activities at which he is excelling. Is he having
fun, or trying too hard to please? Performance anxiety could cause
him stress that increases his anticipation over the next day's accomplishments.
See if you can discover what genuinely interests him so that you can
encourage his development and feelings of success and enjoyment of
learning through natural avenues. And consider assessing the school
environment, teacher's style and personality and overall ambience
to be sure it is a good fit for his needs. Some children develop better
in a smaller group setting and some teacher-student fits are better
than others.
Talk with your husband about his own tensions related
to his son. Is your husband experiencing anxiety related to his son's
difficulties that causes him to reject instead of help his son adjust?
What kind of relationship did he have to school as a child and what
kind of support did he experience from his father during stressful
situations? Could he be inadvertently transferring his own fears of
failure onto his son? These questions are key to finding out whether
your son may be reacting to a disturbance in his relationship with
his father which could be threatening his sense of emotional survival.
If so, this could indeed create distress beyond what would usually
be expected in school adjustment.
Ask your husband to recover his patience and stand
behind his son in his time of need. Clearly your son is already experiencing
a significant amount of stress. Adding further tension to the situation
will only make matters worse. Instead, invite your husband to use
his curiosity and compassion to decrease your son's pressure rather
than add to it! Go together to meet with the teacher and counselor
to discover what the emotional meaning of your son's anxiety may be,
and brainstorm methods to help him master his fear.
Keep in mind that this is only one of several times
your patience and tolerance will be called upon during your experience
of parenting. Do not shy away from developing compassion and strengthening
tolerance in situations that challenge your patience. Your child will
learn to internalize these qualities of patience and compassion for
use in the next situation that he will be challenged to master. Setting
a good example for addressing stress and solving problems now will
help all of you deal with the next difficulty with greater equanimity.
If these suggestions do not help to eliminate your
son's stress, consider consulting a child psychologist who is knowledgeable
about children that experience problems with adjustment to school
and social situations. Kindergarten is his first experience of school
and structured learning. It is important that your son experience
success and pleasure rather than anxiety and trepidation.
Kindergarten is not only hard on kids, but stressful
for parents, too! This is your first child, and school adjustment
is often experienced by parents as difficult. It is your first experience
of your son out in the world and it is natural for you to feel your
own pressure about his ability to "fit in" and achieve in "larger
society". Keep in mind that your marriage is YOUR buffer against stress.
Turn to each other for emotional support. Giving comfort to one another
during periods of stress will make you more capable of having patience
for helping your son through difficult times.
