QUESTION: My five-year-old has created
a girl named Jessica who lives in South America in a garbage dump
and crawls through the windows to wreak havoc. Jessica tears apart
feather pillows and pours all the water out of the bathroom and is
mean to the cats, among other things. I have told my daughter that
she must tell Jessica the rules at our house, but "Jessica doesn't
listen". I have told her that I don't want Jessica coming to our house
if she can't behave, but "she comes when I'm not looking and then
she leaves". I have told my daughter that I know that Jessica is inside
of her and that she does the things that Jessica does, but I am told
by a tearful daughter that "Jessica is real".
I have made my daughter pay for the damage Jessica
does by having her help clean and by paying for destroyed things out
of her allowance. My husband is losing patience with our daughter's
"lying" and I am getting worried that I am letting her off the hook
too easily. Can you help?
ANSWER: Your daughter's feelings are
real! She has merely made up a name for a part of her that needs to
be expressed. Her need to create such an imaginary character in order
to express "unpopular" feelings is a sign that your family atmosphere
is not conducive to these feelings coming out in a more direct fashion.
Your job as parents is to understand the feelings that "Jessica" represents
and address them.
Instead of exiling "Jessica" consider inviting her
in and getting to know her. She is a part of your daughter's identity
that needs to be understood and integrated rather than extinguished.
Continued rejection and banishment will only exacerbate the situation.
At best your daughter will repress all feelings she interprets as
"bad" until they erupt (by adolescence?) in some more serious behavior
or at worst become diverted to psychosomatic or other more severe
symptoms of depression. Without helping her resolve these feelings,
she will learn not to bring her real needs to you in the future. She
will also be in danger of experiencing your love as conditional to
having only "positive" feelings and/or behaviors.
The fact that your daughter cannot put these feelings
"underground" is a blessing! She is still showing a belief and hope
that you will be able to help her with the internal conflict and needs
that "Jessica's" behavior reflects. Her conflict between "good" and
"bad" must be resolved so that she can have and express a full range
of feelings which are separate from house rules and her behavior.
Otherwise she is vulnerable to developing a part of her personality
that will turn against herself (as she may experience you doing with
Jessica). This kind of "turning against the self" is a very detrimental
to ongoing development. If she internalizes your rejection of these
feelings now, they will continue to haunt her in other forms.
The fact that "Jessica" lives in a garbage dump likely
indicates some level of emotional deprivation she is experiencing.
She needs you to be trustworthy in helping her understand where deprivation
is being experienced in her life. Is there a precipitating event that
has caused her to feel neglected in some way? Or is she not getting
needed attention at this time in her development in some manner that
is necessary to her growth?
If the idea that your daughter is experiencing some
kind of inner deprivation comes as a shock to you, it is probable
that your own childhood (and/or your husband's) did not provide deeply
accepting and nurturing role models. Review your own experience of
being loved and accepted for all of your feelings, even though certain
behaviors were clearly off limits. Could you go to your parents with
"negative" feelings like anger, jealousy and sadness or were "positive"
expressions of love or politeness the only range allowed?
Refrain from contributing to more distress by lecturing
to her about "lying" or focusing on punishment and consequences which
emphasize retribution. In this case the untruths are not manipulative
in nature. She is telling you her truth when she says she cannot make
"Jessica" go away. The emotional meaning of this might include a cry
for help to integrate all of her "negative" feelings (anger,
sadness, jealousy perhaps). Consider how you might learn more about
the feelings she has attributed to her imaginary character, and why
they are coming up at this time.
Talk with your husband about creating an atmosphere
of acceptance for these feelings. This does not mean you condone these
behaviors. But you do accept her feelings as "real". By and large
your daughter sounds like she is a well-behaved and obedient child
who does the consequences you ask of her like cleaning up after "Jessica"
and paying for damages. What is missing is the acceptance that she
is trying to get an emotional message across to you, but is too young
to articulate it in any other way than through her behavior.
When talking about feelings that "Jessica" has, be
sure to maintain a curious and loving tone into inquiring about her
anger. Do not try to immediately "fix" these feelings. Expect it to
take a bit of time for your daughter to experience safety and acceptance
of these feelings before she tells you more. Your goal should be merely
to accept that "Jessica" does have these very big feelings right now
and wonder what they could possibly be about! Spend less energy on
the behavior. Simply let your daughter know that Jessica is welcome
to talk about her feelings in your house, but not to ruin things.
The first two times, however, avoid any punishment and simply focus
on "what Jessica's feelings could possibly be, to do this?" Be interested,
warm and curious. Do not reject "Jessica", for she is the key to understanding
your daughter's pain. When you have your daughter's trust, she will
express more of what is going on so that you can help her. If the
emotional meaning of her behavior continues to "stump" you, seek a
professional counselor with expertise in child development to help
you interpret her needs at this time.
Take comfort in the fact that your daughter's spirit
remains strong enough to continue to express her reality to you. You
must have given her enough nurturing to establish a trust in your
ability to help her. And you have contributed, no doubt, to encouraging
her wonderful creativity and self-expression. Now your job as parents
is to steer your focus away from punishment and retribution, and turn
it towards understanding the true nature of this complex little girl!
