QUESTION: My six-year-old daughter
is very picky about what clothing she wears. She refuses to wear socks
and will only wear two particular pairs of underwear. Even though
she has picked out most of her clothes, she will only wear a few of
her outfits. Is she just being stubborn or is it something more?
ANSWER: Your daughter appears to have
a strong will and is intent on expressing her independence and individuality
through her current choice of clothing. Your six-year-old's "stubbornness"
is no doubt her attempt to secure some sense of control or develop
self-expression at this time.
Try taking a supportive approach to her desire for
control and expression of her unique tastes. Offer positive feedback
about her choices. For example, if the underwear she is choosing has
flowers on it, reflect to her that she likes flowers on her underwear!
If she chooses cotton panties, commend her on her wise choice of a
fabric which "breathes". If she wants her feet to be "cool" in the
summer, suggest sandals which can support her decision to go "sock-less".
Do likewise with the outfits she likes wearing.
Look at the clothing she picks and try to discover
what it is she resonates with, rather than react negatively to her
choices. See this as an opportunity to get inside your daughter's
head. Try to understand what makes this little girl tick. This is
your chance to see how her own taste may differ from yours.
Perhaps your daughter "went along" with your choices
while shopping, but is clarifying what it is she really likes, by
choosing to wear only a few of those clothes you bought together.
Let her choose more of the clothing she likes when you next shop together.
Supporting your daughter's differences, rather than
squelching them is a delicate balance at this young age. Remember,
however, that individuality occurs gradually over time, not suddenly
at adulthood.
I recall my own struggle to comprehend the reality
that my seven-year-old liked tiny, busy patterns rather than the large,
flowing designs I liked (and of course always picked for her!) I could
feel the disbelief welling up inside of me when she shyly pointed
out a fabric design she wanted for her new bedroom curtains. It took
all of my strength to not "redirect" her to what I felt was an obviously
more lovely choice! I think it was pure luck that instead of telling
her it was not as good a choice I happened to ask her, probably incredulously,
what is it she liked about that one. When I heard her response, I
recognized that she really did have a different perspective from my
own, and that it was my job to support her to develop her taste, not
replicate mine.
It is natural for us as parents to make choices for
our children in line with our own preferences. Still, our children
depend on us to reflect their potential and the ways they are unique,
special and different from ourselves.
Keep in mind that your efforts to patiently address
your six-year-old's "stubbornness" by supporting her individuality
will be rewarded. Helping your daughter to identify what she likes
now and why, will stand you in good stead later. Teens who have already
distinguished themselves from others in a positive manner throughout
their childhood years are likely to experience greater self-confidence
during the tumultuous period of adolescence. A strong and positive
sense of self will offer your daughter greater security and less need
to "rebel" to express her individuality later on. When your daughter
becomes a teenager, you may find you are grateful that her "rebellion"
occurred when the stakes were not that high!
