QUESTION: Clutter seems to be a constant
battle in our house. We live in a small home, which makes it worse.
My wife and I have a 18-month-old son, who we both love dearly, and
we have decided to have another child. I work four, 12-hour days and
m wife stays home. I help out a lot around the house. When I go back
to work, after the second or third day, the house starts looking really
bad. Laundry is piled up, the diaper pail is full, toys and clutter
everywhere. This puts me in rotten mood. This has been going on since
he was born. I feel that having another child will compound the problem
and surely end our marriage. Am I wrong in feeling that at the very
least the clutter can be controlled?
ANSWER: Organization is one dimension
of family health. Without enough of it, families suffer the consequences
of a chaotic environment. It is true that a wide range of styles or
methods for organization abound. However, it appears that your wife
is simply withdrawing from the challenge of creating order, not arguing
over different methods for achieving it. Do not accept motherhood
as an excuse for chaos. Instead, invite your wife to be a team player.
Ask for her help to create the organization that is an inevitable
requirement of family life.
It is true that having a child requires greater organizational
effort in a family. It is often the case that lowering expectations
for "tidiness" is an appropriate measure to reduce stress while maintaining
an overall sense of orderliness. However in your family, it appears
that there is no systematized approach to organize the many tasks
at hand. No wonder your wife feels overwhelmed! You are right to consider
that adding another child to your family without incorporating a method
for handling increased responsibilities may cause you to progress
from chaos to anarchy.
It is possible that you and your wife specialize in
different qualities. She may be more spontaneous, while you are more
goal directed. Whatever your unique differences, it is your job as
parents to come up with methods to organize your life in ways that
simplify your stress rather than exacerbate it. Ask your wife to consider
the possibility that order can become her friend rather than her enemy!
We often learn our organizational skills from our
parents. It is possible that your wife grew up in a family that functioned
poorly in terms of organization, or was rigidly structured to the
point that she developed a rebellion against all organizing. Regardless,
she chose you as a husband. Clearly you represent a different perspective,
and one she may very much need to incorporate. Marriage is a partnership.
There is always room to learn from each other.
Share your feelings with your wife. Let her know that
she has many qualities you admire and that you appreciate the loving
care she provides as a mother and wife. Using "I" statements, express
your experience of overwhelm about the level of disarray in your family
environment and the fact that you are not comfortable with adding
the responsibility of another child until the two of you are able
to create a shared vision for your family environment. This is not
a threat, it is simply a reality of the conflict between you over
organization in the family.
You are a family member and a co-leader of the family.
Your distress matters. Ask your wife if she will meet you halfway
in considering a change. No doubt, disorderliness also slows her down
and it may make organization more difficult for your children as their
lives become more complex with school activities, homework, etc. Take
a long range view. Ask your wife how her family organized family responsibilities.
Reflect on how your family handled organization and identify what
kind of benefits a modicum of order brings each of you.
Establish a shared vision for organization in your
family and keep in mind that both of you matter! You must achieve
a satisfactory middle ground or you are not truly resolving the problem.
Once you have agreed to a vision for achieving order, brainstorm ways
and methods which will simplify. For example, put toys away at a certain
time in the evening or twice daily. Or, maintain certain areas as
"clean zones" and others as "toy zones". Establish follow through
procedures in the family. For example, put dirty diapers in the diaper
pail immediately after a diaper change. These are merely good "work
habits" as many parents will attest.
All systems require organization to perform tasks
and function smoothly. Running a family is no exception! From government
to girls' scout groups, a order creates the space for creativity and
meaningful interactions between people. Smooth functioning requires
that you institute systematic methods to complete tasks in a timely
manner.
Creating order will assure the space and time to relax,
have fun, and generally enjoy your family relationships. Ask for your
wife's help to envision and implement a balance of order in your lives
that is family-friendly!
