QUESTION: We have a three-year-old
and a newborn. Our older daughter has been very loving with her sister;
however, she is suddenly showing signs of insecurity. She always wants
to be in her room by herself and won't let me touch any of her toys.
She is at home with me all the time, except for a ballet class. Could
she need friends?
ANSWER: Your daughter is expressing
positive feelings toward her new sibling, while guarding her turf,
too. It is natural at this age that she would protect her things and
want to hang around inside the home during this period of acclimation.
Your description does not paint a picture of insecurity,
but rather one of attentiveness to change. Do not worry, these are
signs of healthy adjustment!
It is possible that your three-year-old would benefit
from new friendships at this time. However, pushing her toward others
before she has fully adapted to her new environment with the baby,
or expecting her to begin sharing her toys with others, might just
backfire. Take it slow. Consider inviting a little friend over for
a play date, perhaps from her ballet class if she shows interest.
But be aware that your anxiety may be emotionally charged, if you
feel guilty about not being able to spend the kind of time with her
that you did in the past.
It is likely that some part of your anxiety is an
expression of your own postpartum adjustment. After all, you have
lost some of the time you no doubt enjoyed spending with your daughter
and may be missing the one-on-one relationship you once had. Your
relationship with your first child has changed irrevocably when you
had a second baby. Many mothers feel this adjustment to be more difficult
than subsequent children because of the quality of undivided attention
you can give one child, which is forever altered when additional members
arrive on the family scene.
Your daughter's retreat to her room could be, in part,
her way of dealing with the change in the one-on-one attention she
used to enjoy from you. Children, too, can experience a kind of "postpartum
letdown" with all that is new and different in their lives.
Be proactive in giving her ways to help you and be
involved in activities with you and the new baby. Bringing you a diaper,
talking and playing with the baby during a diaper change, and organizing
activities that keep her in the same room with you can help, such
as baking cookies. Or she can draw a picture of her new family while
sitting next to you. This may assure her that she is an active participant
and irreplaceable member of the new family constellation, despite
the changes!
Special time with dad and one-on-one time with mom
are definitely in order for your little girl. Let her know that there
are periods in the day that she will get your full and undivided attention.
A nighttime story, a weekend visit to the library or other activities
for just the two of you will further ensure her adjustment as well
as your own.
The three months following the birth of a child is
termed the postpartum period for a reason. Your hormones are rearranging
your body (and moods!), which can make you vulnerable to increased
anxiety or even the blues. Let the dust settle, before interpreting
your child's changes in a negative light.
