QUESTION: I have three sons -- a four-year-old,
27-month-old, and five-month-old. My 27-month-old can be very stubborn.
He is just starting to talk and when he gets frustrated with a situation
he will scream and throw a fit. I have tried restraining him, diverting
his attention, soothing him, using time-outs, and removing him physically
from the location. Nothing seems to work. This behavior began before
the new baby was born. What I can do?
ANSWER: Your son is in need of your
guidance. If your son still naps, consider decreasing his daytime
naps, so that he becomes more tired at the end of the day. It would
also be wise to initiate a bedtime ritual that allows him to adjust
to a nightly separation from you.
Talk to him when you put him down to bed. Review what
his activities were during the day. Rub his back, read several books
and sing a goodnight song while putting him to bed. It is important
that you do not let his crying disrupt your calm. Instead, repeatedly
tell him he will be fine, and explain to him where mommy and daddy
are sleeping. You might want to give him a cuddly toy animal.
If he is sleepy enough, he will be more likely to
succumb to your reassuring voice and gentle, but firm, persistence.
Take turns putting him to bed, so that he can experience both mom
and dad as his primary nurturers at bedtime.
You might also consider whether he is getting enough
of you during the day. Does he spend time with you on a daily basis,
or does someone care for him other than yourself? If he is crying
because he misses you, consider spending close time with him before
putting him to bed each evening. He will learn to count on this period
of time as his and be more willing to relinquish you at bedtime.
If he is with you most of the day, rest assured that
his crying is a sign that he is attached to you, and naturally orients
himself to be in your presence. It is his job to cry (survival instinct),
and yours to establish limits that you can live with, and help him
adjust to, over time.
Be prepared to stay in his room up to 30 minutes the
first night, before his crying truly subsides. Patiently "wear him
out" with persistent reassurances and cooing. Absorb his screams,
neutrally and calmly. In other words, find your own sense of centeredness
inside. This is necessary, in order for your child to sense that he
is indeed secure in separating from you at night. Sensitive children
often "pick up" their parents' inner calm -- or inner exasperation!
Consider returning in the night to reassure him with
your presence, if necessary. He will eventually learn that his own
bed is a safe and secure place. But do not underestimate the quality
of your own internal state in calming him.
If your child remains highly upset despite your repeated
and persistent efforts, consult your pediatrician.
Keep in mind that your most effective allies in parenthood
are patience, calm and determination. Learn to answer his tears with
these qualities, and you will develop the skills you need to help
him "let go" and trust the guidelines you establish for him, now and
in the future.
