QUESTION: I have three sons -- a four-year-old,
27-month-old, and five-month-old. My 27-month-old can be very stubborn.
He is just starting to talk and when he gets frustrated with a situation
he will scream and throw a fit. I have tried restraining him, diverting
his attention, soothing him, using time-outs, and removing him physically
from the location. Nothing seems to work. This behavior began before
the new baby was born. What I can do?
ANSWER: Your son is two-years-old and
a middle child. This stage of his life ushers in the developmental
crisis between equally strong, but divergent needs. Particularly "spirited"
children are especially likely to dissolve into tears over conflicting
desires for independence and dependence at this age. His position
in the family as the middle child exacerbates this frustration.
Any outbursts your son may have been prone to in the
past will naturally increase at this time. It is his job to challenge
boundaries and yours to neutrally enforce them. This is a very trying
time for him and for you. It may help to realize that absorbing his
anger at this age will help "tame" his disposition in years to come.
Consider the fact that the competing needs of a baby
brother naturally exacerbate his need for increased attention. Also,
his dependency needs do not get met as often. If possible, choose
times to indulge him when he is not having a meltdown. Carry and cuddle
him, and let him be your baby for five minutes each day. Giving him
these "baby" cuddles may help him feel special, as well as satisfy
some of his unmet dependency needs.
Likewise, consider that his independent cravings --
which are strong at this age -- are naturally thwarted by a big brother
who can do so much more. It is sometimes difficult for a second child
to feel competent about his own developmental achievements, when an
older sibling is so very adept! I remember my own son, a second child,
upset that he could not ride a tricycle at 15-months-old, even though
his older sister had not mastered it until she was two-years-old.
In fact, until he was six, he continually asked me if I was sure he
was not a midget.
Carve out special time with him, again when he is
not already upset, to support his unique independence. Make his achievements
the focal point of your attention several times throughout the day.
Marvel at the towers he builds with his blocks, remark on how smart
he is to recognize new words and help him develop a new skill he can
be proud of, like helping you with the dishes. It is easy for a middle
child to feel overshadowed because the older one can always do it
better and the younger one can always use more help.
It is also possible that your middle son has a different
temperament than either you, or his siblings. This may make it harder
to recognize his unique needs and easier to scapegoat him in the family
because he is the one you understand the least. Be careful here! You
would not be the first parent to fall prey to this natural vulnerability.
Be alert to the fact that older children may take
advantage of a younger sibling's frustrations. Sometimes, they even
"set up" a younger sibling for a meltdown.
Because your son is "spirited," he is protesting,
rather than suppressing his own needs. The healthy part of this message
is that he is calling out for help.
