QUESTION: I am a divorced mother of
two young children. My son is four years old and my daughter two.
My son has been sleeping in my bed for over a year now. I don't remember
exactly how it started, but he became terribly frightened sleeping
by himself. Bedtime became a very traumatic experience for both of
us. I have made several attempts to have him sleep in his own bed.
I feel terrible when people ask me about where he is sleeping, but
I'm not sure what to do. I don't want him to be traumatized about
going to sleep. Any suggestions? Should I aggressively pursue getting
him into his own bed?
ANSWER: It may be likely that your son
began sleeping with you to comfort you while you were going through
your divorce. Particularly if it was traumatizing to you, your son
could have sensed your needs, merging with you as a source of mutual
soothing through the transition. Although this is a tempting solution
in the short run, it can pose long term difficulties in adjustment
and adaptation. Whether his fear is based on trauma or manipulation,
it is important to help him gain a sense of mastery about his ability
to sleep on his own at this point, for his sake as well as for yours.
Setting limits can be difficult when you feel guilty.
At this point, it may be more the case that your son is manipulating
you, than that he is truly traumatized. He needs to know that you
believe in his ability to sleep in his own bed, and that no amount
of crying will make you change your mind about his capacity to develop
this independence.
Because he is your first, your bond to him may have
a special quality of closeness. He is the child who helped you forge
your motherhood. If he began sleeping with you at the time you separated
from your ex-husband, he may also be filling in for the loss experienced
at that time. Remaining in your bed gives him the message that he
is important because you needed him for comfort. He needs to know
that you do not need him in this role. It is not his job. His ability
to sleep on his own will be in his best interests when he wishes to
do a sleep-over with a friend or go on a camp outing. Helping him
develop the ability to self-soothe is critical to his development.
It also gives him a secure place in the family as a brother. Sleeping
with you elevates his position in the family, separating him from
his sibling connection.
It is important that he be able to sleep in his own
bed because it is in his best interests, because his sister does so,
and because you may want an adult partner of your own at some point,
too. Should you remarry, your son would then be set up to feel rejected
by you, causing difficulties with future stepfamily formation, as
well.
Talk with your son about what will help him to sleep
in his own bed, like his sister does. Let him know you believe in
him, and you expect it of him. Establish a plan with him that helps
him master his fears. A nightlight and a new special "sleeping" stuffed
animal friend may be useful ways of helping him develop his confidence
in himself to sleep in his own bed. Assure him that you know he will
be able to do so because he is becoming 5 years old in the next year!
Express certainty that this will help him adjust, and that he has
the capacity to conquer his fear.
If you remain uncomfortable and unable to hold these
limits with your son, seek professional guidance to explore what,
if any, other events may be at the heart of his fears. Review any
life events that could be the trigger for such fears when they began
one year ago. Explore any possibilities that some traumatic event
that you are not aware of (sexual molestation, getting lost) could
have been actually traumatizing to him and pushed below his awareness.
If this was the case, play therapy would be therapeutic in helping
him feel safe again.
Your love for your child will be expressed in your
clear boundaries and sensitive assistance. Your guilt will be resolved
by addressing this problem and taking charge of the situation. Besides,
why should you feel guilty when you are asking all the right questions?
