QUESTION: I am very happily employed
in the legal field. I enjoy my work, but am worried about the impact
working has on my two children. They like their after-school programs,
but will working full-time, and being a single mom, cause long-term
damage? Is there anything I can do to help them stay well-adjusted?
ANSWER: As a single working mother you
are saddled with two potentially destructive myths which must be debunked
for your sake and for your children! The first myth is that a "good"
mother is a stay-at-home mother.
Research shows that when a mother's employment is
satisfactory, her children benefit. Heightened self-confidence in
working mothers boosts their children's self-esteem as well: After
all, children inherit and learn self-esteem by identifying with those
they love. Is it really any wonder that when mothers take care of
themselves, they also have more positive energy for their children?
It is the quality of the parent-child relationship
that matters. Mothers who are fulfilled themselves are not only good
role models for their children, but are happier people, too! Research
bears out what common sense tells us -- that happier women make happier
mothers, whether they work outside the home or not.
The second myth is that single parent families are,
by definition, deficient. In fact, research shows single parent families
to be as diverse as two parent households. In other words, their behavior
and academic performance runs the same spectrum as their peers who
live in families with two parents. Basically, some families are resilient
and operate smoothly, while others do not. Functionality is not a
result of two parents; it's the result of effective parenting!
Two parents under one roof is no assurance that harmony
and love will prevail in the home, anymore than having a mother at
home during the day insures well-adjusted, happy children. In fact,
children who remain in intact families -- but suffer under the stress
of prolonged, unresolved marital conflict -- are the most vulnerable
to maladjustment.
Stress affects everyone. It is how we handle stress
that makes the difference for our children. It is the quality of our
family relationships and our family processes that best insure that
our children will grow into healthy well-adjusted adults, despite
the adversities life may throw their way.
In the past decade, several studies researched the
effects of a mother's employment on her children. Conclusions clearly
identified quality of daycare and quality of the parent-child relationship
as the two most significant influences, rather than whether or not
the mother was employed.
Let's take a deeper look into these two factors which
make a difference in our children's welfare:
What should you look for when choosing quality daycare?
In order to feel secure, children need to feel an attachment to the
adults who care for them. Avoid situations in which your child will
be asked to change daycare personnel more than once per year. Ideally,
younger children benefit from even longer relationships. Emotional
attachment to another adult caretaker is a key process for your child's
emotional health. The relationship between your child and his or her
daycare provider is an important one, but rest assured that quality
daycare is no substitute for the value of your primary parent-child
bond.
Qualities to look for in a caregiver include:
