QUESTION: My husband spends too much
time watching TV and on the Internet. I confronted him and he said that
all I cared about was me and my baby. It really hurt and it makes me
angry that he's jealous of his own daughter. What can I do?
ANSWER: Your husband is reeling from
the changes that having a baby has brought to your marriage. Instead
of communicating his feelings, he is interpreting your bond to your
daughter as an abandonment of him. You're probably feeling unsupported
in motherhood and resentful of his interpretation.
The good news is that he is talking to you instead
of withdrawing into the electronic screen. The bad news is that you
have both cut off your discussion before it has had a chance to begin!
It's common for husbands to feel left out of the
loop because of old family patterns in which fathers did not involve
themselves in the emotional caretaking in the family. Your husband
is having feelings, but he is speaking to you in "conclusions" instead
of letting you know that he misses you!
It's natural to devote your energy and attention
to your baby, and it is also true that your alone time with your spouse
will decrease. But this does not mean that your husband cannot include
himself in caring for his daughter or that the two of you cannot carve
out "special" time to be with one another.
Let your husband know that you are missing him, too!
Your relationship with your daughter does not replace the love and
affection you give each other. Your daughter's emotional well-being
rests on the security of your spousal relationship.
Is your husband spending special time with his daughter?
Ask him to share his feelings with you, using "I"
statements. For example, "I feel left out when you cuddle the baby,
and I imagine that you no longer have any desire to cuddle with me."
Sharing feelings in a manner which encourages rather discourages discussion
is the key.
You have both experienced much change in the past
months since your child was born. But instead of building bridges
to understand one another, you have been alone and bereft at a time
when you need each other the most. Let your husband know that you
want to reconnect with him. Learn the skills needed to communicate
your pain without obliterating your love. Ask him to work with you,
not against you to regain the emotional connection in your marriage.
Your daughter will benefit from the love you rekindle.
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