QUESTION: I am the single mother of
a two-year-old daughter who seems to be going through the "terrible
twos." I do not believe in spanking and time outs do not seem to help.
I am also under a great deal of stress and pressure at my job. Could
you please suggest some ways that I can effectively deal with this
phase that we are both going through?
ANSWER: You are parenting on your own
and experiencing job pressure -- two stressors that are overly challenging
by themselves. Mothering a two year old presents an additional challenge
that is putting you "over the edge."
First, it is important to understand the nature of
two-year-old development. The fact that your daughter is resisting
you is a sign that she feels secure enough in her relationship with
you to test it. Her job is to see what kind of independence she is
capable of at this time.
Setting limits includes taking toys away if she throws
them, carrying her across a street if she refuses to hold your hand
and walk safely, or putting her in the car seat despite her protestations.
The expectation for enforcing physical limits can help parents accept,
rather than react to these outbursts. Your daughter actually needs
these experiences to internalize rules. She is testing her independence,
and needs to experience the boundaries safely within the context of
your relationship. While it is her job to test, it is your job to
non-emotionally enforce.
The key skill you may need to develop is the ability
to not react emotionally to her screaming, in this way not reinforcing
it. Consider having a handy response to these situations, like, "You
can cross the street on your own while holding my hand or you can
be carried." As a routine, count slowly from one to three, indicating
that she has this time to consider her choices. By the time you get
to "three," you may consider repeating her choices to her. When she
predictably screams in response, simply carry her across, explaining
calmly, through her protestations, that she needs to hold your hand
and walk on her own, or be carried. This action itself is the consequence.
There is no need for a time out. She will gradually learn her choices
within the context of your rules, if your explanations remain consistent,
fully spoken and unemotional. She will begin to predict your reactions
and sooner or later decide to cooperate on her own.
It may also be helpful to consider indulging her in
doing appropriate things more independently whenever possible. Using
a spoon to feed herself or watering the garden holding a hose by herself
may be somewhat messy, but will allow her some outlet to experience
the need for greater independence.
Secondly, realize that you are under stress and need
support. It will be hard for you to give her the emotional buffer
she needs during this challenging period of development if you do
not have one yourself! Join a support group for single parents in
which you can share your struggles with others in similar situations
to your own.
Develop agreements, if possible, to call a close relative
or friend when you have had a particularly stressful interaction with
your child. Knowing you will have someone to talk to about it later,
will help you react with neutral limit setting behavior that does
not escalate the interaction between your daughter and yourself. Eventually,
she will learn to accept these limits more cooperatively. Parental
stress hotlines may also be available in you county as a free resource
to help you discharge the tensions you are feeling from absorbing
these outbursts.
Develop friendships for long-term support. Devote
time on the weekends and in the evenings for soothing yourself, too.
Hot baths, writing in a journal or talking on the phone to a friend
can relieve stress at the end of the day. Be sure that you are scheduling
these important self-care activities into your daily and weekly schedule.
They will benefit your daughter, as well as yourself!
