QUESTION: We have a highly spirited
14-month-old son who tends to be more cooperative with me than with
his mother. As soon as I walk in the door after work, my wife needs
to vent her frustrations; however, I don't want to hear negativity
about our son after missing him all day! This is beginning to cause
problems in our marriage. Any suggestions?
ANSWER: Parenthood requires changes
in your relationship. Your wife's request for venting is an appropriate
one. She is a new mother, and like you, she has many things to learn.
Her ability to meet and deal with frustrations partly depends on the
soothing she gets from you.
Simultaneously, you are experiencing heightened tension
when the family reunites at the end of the day. I call this "transition
blues." Be aware that families undergo separation and reunification
on a daily basis. It is not unusual for spouses and children to struggle
with conflicting emotions that collide upon impact, especially when
your family is young. Now is the time to set the foundation for successfully
meeting these needs, rather than ignoring them.
First, it is critical that you experience the role
of being the full-time caretaker for your son at some point. If your
wife would like to get away for a day or weekend with a girlfriend,
you will have a small taste of what her day is like as "Mom." It is
sometimes difficult for parents who do not stay home with their children
for extended periods of time to truly understand the intensity of
the minute by minute, daily caretaking experience. It is all too easy
for Dad to become the fun guy, while Mom becomes the drudge.
Talk with your wife about reversing your roles. It
is healthy for your son to play with Mom and experience Dad as the
one who nurtures him throughout the day -- diapering, feeding and
setting limits so that he does not pull bookshelves down on his head
or eat poisonous plants in the garden. This will allow you greater
empathy with your wife about the frustrations she experiences and
will allow her to feel that mothers can be interesting, too!
Consider the contradictory needs that accumulate over
the course of a day. For example, many mothers (or fathers) who stay
home to care for children may be desperate for adult interaction and
connection. Their needs for interactive sharing -- especially about
the frustrations of their day -- reaches a peak at the very minute
their partner walks in the door. This partner, however, longs to relax
and wind down.
Your expectations are directed toward the excitement
of greeting your son and your wife. You want to hear all of the wonderful
things you have missed. Your wife, however, is tired from a long day
of riveted attention and care on a very active toddler. She is emotionally
exhausted and wants to unload her frustrations on you, the only other
parent of this wondrous child.
Meanwhile your spirited little boy is no doubt literally
buzzing with anticipation of being greeted and swung high into the
air by this exciting father figure who magically reappears each evening.
And, of course, all of you are hungry, too! No wonder this period
of the day has often been called the "witching hour."
Consider implementing a strategy that will ease your
"transition blues." Develop a family plan to address needs throughout
the evening. But reduce emotional tension by agreeing to make reuniting
the goal of the first half hour together. This means hugs and an initial
activity between a young child and the parent who has been away all
day. Reading a story or playing a short game can suffice.
Dinner is a good time to reconnect with the family.
You can connect as adults after dinner, while children are encouraged
to play for 20 minutes independently. Or you may want to wait until
after bedtime to share the frustrations and triumphs of your day in
greater detail.
Your wife will be able to wait for comfort if she
can look forward to your empathetic listening at the end of the day.
You can also greatly reduce the tension of the first contact at home
if you connect earlier by phone. Allow her to share her difficulties
and ask her to call you when something good happens, too! This will
help you maintain connection that includes both venting and teamwork.
