QUESTION: My partner and I experienced
eight years of infertility. This resulted in very scheduled sexual
encounters for the purpose of conceiving, rather than to fulfill any
sexual desire. Fortunately, I did get pregnant. My son, now two-years-old,
does not sleep by himself. One of us has to sleep with him. As a result,
we have had sex six times since he was born. What can we do to bring
back the passion?
ANSWER: You had not yet recovered from
the intrusion of "sex on command" when parenthood further challenged
the intimacy in your relationship. Although spontaneous sexual encounters
had been dampened by eight years of trying to conceive, sexual "dates"
were still a priority, which went by the wayside when you had your
child. Perhaps it is time to start these dates up again, but with
a new and different purpose!
Your experience in dealing with infertility can be
a strength in coping with the adjustment to parenthood. You have been
able to make time for sex before and you can do it again. But this
time, you will be not be harnessed by the worry of conception. Instead,
you can use the time to focus on one another, rediscover your bodies
and renew your sensuality.
First, talk with your husband about a plan to change
your son's bedtime ritual. Perhaps you have both wanted a child for
so very long, that you have been happy to ignore the limits you need
in order to ensure a healthy relationship with one another.
There is some loss involved in the process of infertility
that often goes unrecognized. Perhaps the many years of lost pregnancies
have had the effect of creating a more anxious parenting style than
is necessary.
Your son benefits from the nurturing you give each
other. Do not wait for your husband to make suggestions. Instead,
let him know that you feel it is time to help your son adjust to a
shortened bedtime ritual which will allow you some time in each other's
arms.
Schedule a weekly date to spend time together. Whether
it is going out to dinner, taking a bath together, or an afternoon
hike, refocus your attention on each other.
You already know how to direct your energies toward
sex for the purpose of conception. As you spend time together, consider
ways to redirect your attention on sex in the service of your relationship!
Reconnect to your sensuality with warm bodies bathed in water and
candlelight, music, massages and private time together.
Remember that your relationship is the garden in which
your child grows. Your son depends on the two of you to nurture the
love and passion that makes your marriage strong. Credit your husband
with the best intents of fatherhood and the patience of a saint. But
let him know you are ready to rekindle the fire!
