QUESTION: My husband is verbally abusive
when talking with our children. It hurts me to hear him call them
"stupid," "idiot" and other unmentionable names when he gets frustrated,
which is often. What effect does this have on our children and is
there any way to stop it?
ANSWER: Children depend on those who
love and care for them, to tell them who they are. A child's developing
self-esteem is founded on parental beliefs and expectations. Children
who are continuously "put down" with name-calling or other disparagement
are vulnerable to poor self-image and lowered confidence in themselves.
The earlier and more pervasive the abuse, the greater the potential
for crippling a child's development, socially, academically or otherwise.
Whether we help our children develop a compassionate
observer that assists them in handling frustration, or an inner critic
that distracts them with self-accusation is largely the result of
parental messages and modeling. Verbal abuse contributes to the creation
of an inner critic that incriminates, rather than encourages a child
in times of stress. A negative internal dialogue may cause us to avoid
challenges and miss opportunities in life for fear of "failure." Or
it can contribute to depression, for even when we achieve we may feel
as though it is never enough.
Let's take a simple look at how the inner dialogue
might work. For example, a nine-year-old boy is facing a difficult
new math problem. Natural frustration arises. If he has experienced
his parent's encouragement in times of stress ("You are smart, you
can do it"), we might say that he has developed an inner cheerleader
that helps him to remain calm and repeat instructions to himself that
were taught in class. He is less likely to become distracted by his
frustration, and more likely to focus his energy on successful problem
solving. The experience of success creates a can do attitude which
then reinforces self esteem for the next time new material must be
mastered.
But when a child has been the object of repeated name
calling, he has more work to do in order to get through to the teaching
dialogue. Because he feels frustration, (and because his father resorts
to name calling under stress), he may cope with frustration by repeating
his father's words to himself -- that he is a "stupid idiot." Harboring
this belief may slow down, or block his progress altogether. He may
"fall apart" under this stress, similarly to what he sees his father
do when frustrated. He may even waste his energies lashing out at
others, further delaying his attention to problem-solving. His inner
dialogue is flooded with emotional tensions that block development
of the skills necessary to succeed, or even ask for help.
In the worst case, a negative inner dialogue leads
to failure which reinforces a child's belief that he is, in fact,
a "stupid idiot." Believing this becomes easier than working through
the emotional tension necessary to address the math problem. Problem
solving skills are not learned, resulting in further failures. A negative
self-fulfilling prophecy is set in motion.
Abuse of any kind is learned at the hands of our own
caretakers. No doubt your partner learned to lash out at his children
because he himself bore the brunt of parental frustration. The "cure"
that promises to break this cycle is the ability to remember the pain
felt by childhood abuse. When an adult identifies with the harm done
to him as a child, he is then able to transfer this empathy to his
own children.
Ask your husband to recall how his parents handled
anger and frustration. Together, identify behaviors which were destructive
and those that were constructive. Focus attention on what it might
have felt like to be called an "idiot" and what effect it might have
had on him. Does he silently berate himself when something goes wrong?
Looking back on his childhood experience, does he believe that name-calling
helped or hindered him? Did it cause him to think poorly of himself,
or keep him from performing or developing skills due to a "short fuse"?
And finally, ask him what kind of impact he wants to have on his own
children.
Tell him that you want an end to name-calling in the
family. But do not stop there! It is your job as a parent to address
your partner's blind spots and insist on changes where they are needed.
Your children depend on you to stand up for them.
Your partner deserves your love and assistance in this matter, too.
Because he is verbally abusive does not mean he does not love his
children or have their best interests at heart. He may simply need
your support to look honestly at the behavior passed down to him from
the previous generation. Invite him to join you in the fight against
this toxic cycle. Together, make your goal to build your children's
self-esteem rather than to tear it down!
