QUESTION: About a year ago, my husband
and I lost our temper after our children threw a huge fit in a grocery
store. As my husband was putting our son in the car he got a large
scratch on his leg. I was very angry with my husband and I lost control
-- yelling, hitting and kicking him. Unfortunately, my kids witnessed
this, and my three-year-old daughter was crying for me to call 911.
Now, my son acts like nothing happened, but my daughter refuses to
get close to her dad. This hasn't happened since, and both my husband
and I are very remorseful. What can we do now?
ANSWER: Your daughter was no doubt terrified
by the violent outbreak between her parents. Her attempt to "help"
indicates the level of danger she felt, as well as the distrust she
had that the two of you would be able to safely resolve your struggle.
It is possible that your daughter's trust in her parents ability to
work things out was broken and she felt forced to resolve it by choosing
sides.
Physical safety is secured by having a "bigger" person
protect you. When children perceive a serious struggle between their
parents, it is natural for them to protect their own survival. Your
daughter may view you as a primary caretaker, and therefore, her "protector."
This survival-oriented reaction may have hurt her relationship with
her father. It is important that you and your husband repair it.
Consider the different ways that you can support and
encourage her to have a secure relationship with her father. Ask your
husband to become involved by spending special one-on-one time with
her on a weekly (or more frequent) basis. Trips to the zoo, father-daughter
movies, or other activities may help her re-establish her relationship
with him. Create situations where she can learn to rely on him instead
of you. Then she will be able to depend on him as a safe and reliable
parent.
It is possible that engaging in these activities will
bring out submerged feelings about the traumatic event. This could
result in a valuable opportunity to review the event and reassure
her. Do not sidestep your daughter's feelings about the occurrence.
Accept her interpretation, listen to her story, and evaluate how you
want to explain your own, and your husband's, reactions. Include reasons
why this will not happen again. It is also helpful to let your child
know when you have gone to counseling for help. It relieves children
of the self-inflicted responsibility they might feel to solve your
marital conflicts.
It is important to let your daughter know that what
you did was wrong and that you should not have reacted by hitting
and kicking her father. Accept responsibility for your "out of control"
behavior and let your child know what steps you have taken to correct
your own reactions and behavior. Be sure to present these ideas in
terms that a young child can comprehend. For example, "We have been
to a 'talking doctor' to help your father and I fix how we fight and
we have agreed to use our words from now on". Also, be sure to reflect
her fear, apologize, and ask that she give you feedback. For example,
"We are sorry we frightened you and we will not let that happen again.
Let us know if anything we do or say scares you in any way." You should
also ask your husband to have similar conversations with her.
Your honesty and trustworthiness to admit and correct
mistakes will not only facilitate healing, but will set a tone for
family problem solving through teamwork. Your children will discover
that we all make mistakes, but more importantly they will learn how
to deal with their own blunders in a productive, rather than destructive,
manner. You can feel pride in the fact that you are raising a family
capable of learning from their mistakes, rather than repeating them.
Your daughter will likely feel loved and reassured by your attention
to her feelings. If what you say to her is true, she will gradually
regain the trust she lost.
