QUESTION: How should parents handle arguing
in front of the kids? We have an eight-year-old son and a three-month-old
daughter. When my husband and I disagree about something I feel the
tension affects our children and I feel guilty. My son often starts
to fall apart when we argue. Should my husband and I wait until the
kids are asleep to resolve arguments? Any guidance you could offer
on this matter would be greatly appreciated!
ANSWER: Conflict is a normal part of
family relationships. How arguments are handled however is crucial
to the safety children feel in their environment when discussions
involving differences in opinions take place. Naturally, there
are some discussions which you might want to schedule at a time when
you are child-free, simply because you will be better able to concentrate
on what you are discussing without interruption. You may also choose
to begin a discussion with children present, but agree to talk about
the situation at a later specified time because of the need to focus
your attention undividedly.
Children need to learn skills for resolving conflict
and there is no better way to teach this but to model it in your spousal
relationship. When children experience their parents as working things
out together, they learn that arguments are safe in the family. It
is a healthy family whose members are able to disagree passionately
without attacking or devaluing the person with whom they are disagreeing.
The tension picked up by children will be experienced as safe if the
parents can still feel their love and respect, as well as a genuine
desire to understand their partner, whether or not they agree. Hostility
and accusations lead to distress in any environment, while "I" statements
that are clearly communicated lead towards understanding. Once there
is understanding, the potential for genuine compromise is increasingly
probable.
It is also important to maintain the generational
boundaries between parents and children when discussions do take place
with children present. Do not let a child talk for you against
a spouse or use a child to try to win the argument! If you are
having a discussion with your spouse, reassure your child that Mom
and Dad are working out a difference of opinion and he or she does
not need to get involved. This should be reinforced by both parents,
as it is particularly important for children to hear this from the
parent with which they may be attempting to "side". You may even direct
your child towards a play activity that is appropriate for them, reinforcing
behaviorally that Mom and Dad have the situation under control and
they do not need to worry. If doing this does not result in calming
your child, then perhaps it would be better to continue your discussion
at another time. Your child may need your attention or be particularly
vulnerable for reasons other than your disagreement.
However if you see your child repeatedly stopping
your arguments, it is important that he or she get the message that
this is not their responsibility and that Mom and Dad can handle their
own problems. Seeking marital counseling would be appropriate if this
situation continues and you have been unable to resolve conflict or
handle discussions in a manner that respects your partner. At times
when you are in disagreement about the child, however, it is usually
most appropriate to resolve problems involving particularly strong
differences of opinion outside of the child's presence.
Naturally these rules may change as your children
grow. As children become teenagers, if there are healthy guidelines
established for respecting each other while disagreeing, the opinion
of a teenager may be an interesting additional perspective. As long
as there is a consistent history of problem resolution and individuals
having the discussion feel safe and not "steamrolled" in the process,
conflict can nurture a lively family interaction. However problems
that parents need to resolve in their roles as decision makers in
the family should never be compromised by the inclusion of others
who share their own perspectives on the matter.
Expression of anger without blame or denigration is
a key aspect of healthy negotiation. If you can express as
well as receive your partner's anger and disappointment when
respectfully communicated, the love and appreciation between you
will grow. If anger can be managed successfully, love and often passion
deepens.
As in anything, extremes should be avoided. Children
who grow up in a family that is always expressing conflict which never
resolves, suffer from the relentless tension, whether or not the generational
boundaries are clear. Compromises must be reached between spouses
to ensure the success of the marriage. Likewise, children who grow
up never hearing how compromise was reached do not learn the skills
they need for communicating in their own future marriages. The "Ozzie
and Harriett" approach does not equip children to express themselves
or deal with conflict that is part of a healthy intimate relationship.
Remember, too, that there is a difference between
having an opinion and being opinionated. To have an opinion allows
others to have theirs as well. To be opinionated is to ignore, belittle
or otherwise communicate intolerance. Opinionated people rarely maintain
intimate and satisfying relationships. Being capable of having discussions
about topics that are charged is based on communication and problem
solving skills that must be learned for people to have and maintain
loving relationships. When children can learn these skills in their
own families, they become better equipped to create and maintain their
own relationships.
