QUESTION: I have been married for
two years to a wonderful man, but it is difficult for me to give and
receive love. I brush my husband away when he wants to cuddle, find
myself being sharply critical of him and getting angry over the most
trivial things. Though he tries to be understanding, this is a source
of conflict in our marriage.
I was raised in a family that didn't show affection
and I find myself taking on my parents' negative characteristics.
I worry what kind of mother I'll be when we have children.
My relationship with my husband is very important
to me. How can I move on to a healthier, more loving relationship
with my mate?
ANSWER: The effects of your childhood
have left you with the belief that you are "unlovable". By pushing
your husband away you are remaining loyal to these messages and making
them come true. It is completely understandable that you would repel
your husband's love, initially. You are afraid of being hurt. And
letting him close means that it will hurt more if you do lose him.
But keep in mind that while "driving him away" may fulfill your expectation
for rejection, it does not save you from agony and mourning if your
efforts at repelling him prove successful!
Try a simple exercise. Though this will make you squirm,
and you may argue that it is "silly", and indeed it is, it is one
way to begin to speak directly to your unconscious programming. Choose
a time when you are alone and will not be interrupted. Locate a mirror,
preferably a full length mirror and sit or stand in front of it. Look
at your reflection. Note your feelings about yourself. Are you critical?
If so, keep looking until you can accept what you see before you.
Settle on your face, your eyes, and after getting used to this intimacy
with yourself, say out loud, "I love you, Amber". See what happens.
Perhaps you are embarrassed and do not want to continue. But with
all the compassion you have ever given anyone else in your life, turn
it to yourself, now. And repeat the phrase. Do this until you get
more comfortable with it. Say it matter of factly, softly, loudly,
but with compassion for the little girl who deserves love, but is
not yet acclimated to accepting it. This is a beginning. Continue
to do this exercise throughout the days and weeks ahead. Look deeply
and surely into your reflection and repeat the phrase, realizing that
this is the truth -- you are lovable!
Become your own mother. Develop activities that soothe
and nurture you -- perhaps listening to your favorite music. And play
with the idea of how you would love your own child. See if you can
transfer that feeling of maternal affection for your unborn child,
to yourself in the present.
Many people enter a kind of depression when they finally
find someone they love. They are face-to-face with the differences
in their childhood experience and their present experience of being
loved. This brings up the anguish for resolution. Though it may take
a bit of time to sort through, it is a process that inevitably can
prove worthwhile.
In time you may find yourself becoming more permeable
to your husband's love, his touch and increasingly disloyal to the
messages you were raised with in childhood. Begin to experience yourself
through your husband's love. How would you behave if you felt loved?
Experiment with acting that way, as you are able to do so. Seek supportive
individual counseling to facilitate this process, if you wish.
There are many books on the market which may prove
useful to you. Harville Hendrix's book on relationships, "Getting
the Love You Want" may be helpful for furthering the positive direction
of healing that has begun in your partnership with your husband. It
will also help you to see him as a vulnerable person who needs your
love, too. John Bradshaw's books may also help support your changes,
helping this journey become a two way street in which you and your
husband increase the understanding between you. Marriage can provide
a wonderful context for healing and new development for both partner!
It is natural to repeat patterns of childhood interactions
with those in our lives with whom we develop intimacy. It will take
some extra effort, but it is possible to not only change your underlying
beliefs about yourself, but establish different behavioral patterns
with those you love. You can begin to treat your husband with love
and respect, though it may truly feel awkward at the outset. Practice
expressing positive feelings to your husband. But continue to make
changes in your relationship to yourself, or it will not be easy for
you to either accept or give love in the relationship. Rest assured
that these patterns can change. And every bit of progress you make
benefits the next generation!
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