QUESTION: I had my daughter at age 15,
my mother was always very controlling. My parents adopted her for
"insurance purposes", but they held it over my head that if I didn't
straighten up, I would never regain custody. I was always her mommy
and my mom was always Grandma.
I met a man after I graduated H.S. and we fell
in love. My mother made me feel like I had to chose between the two.
I felt I could have both, a family of my own. So, I moved out with
him and consulted lawyers on the subject to no avail. I always visited
my daughter although I was never allowed to take her out of our small
town.
Eventually, I married this man and we were allowed
to have her over for an occasional weekend although we were still
never allowed to punish her or take her out of town. She eventually
moved in with us when we rented a house in the country. We bought
a dog and were finally a family and my parents were even talking about
letting us adopt her back. Then, my mom started dictating what I had
to do....quit work, volunteer, and buy my daughter more things.
My husband never liked my parents and vise versa.
They were always butting heads about everything. I played the middle
man and tried to make everyone happy. One day, about 2 weeks before
Christmas, my parents came and had my daughter pack her bags and took
her back to their house. My husband was at work. My heart was broken,
I had quit my job and tried to do everything that was expected of
me. Again, we consulted lawyers, to no avail. She was in kindergarten
at this point.
After a lot of fighting and talking, my daughter
moved back in the summer going into 1st grade. We adopted her a month
later...while my parents were still consenting. Ever since, my mother
has tried to step in and take control of every situation that she
deems needs her attention. My husband is against everything that has
to do with them and I feel the same sometimes too. Every decision
me and my husband makes gets looked down upon by my mother. She feels
that either it isn't good enough, or the punishment is too harsh.
She even told us that it was child abuse to stand my daughter in the
corner.
My daughter hears all of this because my mother
doesn't have the decency to question us in private. My daughter has
become practically uncontrollable. She decides to do what she wants
to do and if I don't let her, she'll tell my mother on the phone,
or the next time she visits and I have to answer to my mother for
it. I feel like a fish in an aquarium. My husband and I both work
full time and it's hard enough to deal with normal daily problems
of finances and behavior with out throwing in a controlling parent
in the picture.
I feel like I'm at my wits end and don't want
to make a rash decision like relocating my family to another state
just to get away from her. I've tried talking to her and she gets
very defensive and tells me that I'm wrong and she has a special bond
with my daughter that I can't ignore. I know that....but I feel she
takes it too far, and I can't talk to her to explain that. She says
that I'm pointing blame at her for everything and I can't even get
her to work with me for my daughter's benefit.
What should I do?????
ANSWER: Though the road has been a stormy
one between your mother and yourself, you have finally succeeded in
clarifying your parental role through adoption. Yet, though progress
has taken place, the dynamics of your relationship with your mother
continue to be based on her distrust of your decisions to parent your
child. Her refusal to respect your authority at this point is problematic.
And her undermining of your parental role may prove more damaging
to your child than anything you do that she dislikes!
Perhaps you could approach your mother through a letter
explaining your dilemma. Acknowledge the precipitousness of your motherhood
as a teenager as well as your gratitude for her help in raising your
daughter. Reflect the difficulties your decision to have a baby at
age 15 must have meant for her, and commend her on her extension of
herself as a grandmother in nurturing your daughter. But let her know
that though you respect her relationship with your daughter, her arguments
with you about parenting in front of your child must stop!
Clarify your need for her cooperation in accepting
you as a parental authority for your daughter's sake. It is true that
your daughter's acting out stems, at least in part if not wholly,
from conflicting messages she is hearing about what is in her best
interest. It is a common and natural result for children to act out
conflicting messages. In this way, your daughter is being torn apart
by a sense of split loyalty between you and her grandmother that is
harmful. Your mother does need to relinquish her authoritative position
and take a back seat to you and your husband, whether she agrees with
you or not. If you feel strong enough, it is OK to listen to your
mother's ideas about parenting, if she brings such things to you privately,
and if she does so in a respectful manner which offers positive suggestions
rather than judgment and criticisms. But it would be best for her
to wait until you ask her for her opinions rather than give unsolicited
advice.
Appeal to your mother to shift her role from "primary
parenting" to grandparenting. Thank her for her love and caring when
you did need her to step in and let her know you do appreciate the
loving bond she has with her granddaughter. And, if you feel safe
doing so, allow her to know the pain you must feel about your inability
to parent your child independently when you were younger. Accept that
it is difficult for her to let go of protecting your child, as this
has been a primary focus in her life for the past several years. But
let her know that you need her help in changing the roles you have
played in your daughter's life. Ask for her support in transferring
authority to you for your daughter's welfare.
If you are able to make headway with this letter and
any dialogue that results, you might benefit from constructing a family
ritual in which this transfer of authority, as well as acknowledgment
of your mother's primary role in your daughter's past is acknowledged.
It is probable that your relationship with your mother is stuck in
adolescence. Your mother has never fully let go of mothering, and
you have never really been completely accepted as an adult in the
family.
It is likely that your mother experienced some difficulty
with resolving the period of adolescence in her own childhood. Loss
in her adolescence, or an overly distant or too close relationship
with her own mother could have made it difficult for her to navigate
your teenage years. And when you became a mother at 15, your own adolescent
development became complicated. Becoming a teenage parent increased
your dependency on your mother at a time when your own development
was calling out for separation and independence.
If your mother can recognize that she needs to support
rather than hinder your relationship with your daughter, it is possible
that marking this awareness with a family ritual could help the two
of you resolve your adolescence. Seek counseling for assisting you,
if necessary, to reach an understanding of all you have been through
together. But with a clear goal of clarifying the boundaries between
parent and grandparent at this time. Solidify the transition through
adolescence with a mutually created ritual that marks the event.
Research has shown rituals to be powerful facilitators
of change in family roles and relationships during periods of transition.
Perhaps a gathering where you review your daughter's birth and the
positive ways she has always been cared for by all of those who love
her in different ways at different times could be planned. In some
way, this process could also include your mother passing the "baton"
or "crowning" you as mother, or some other symbolic representation
that she is placing authority and control of your daughter squarely
in your hands. Some way of honoring her in a new grandmother role
could also be created. A celebration like this can help confirm the
reality that people are different and live life by different rules,
and now that your daughter has been fully and legally adopted by you
and your husband, your rules will guide her and keep her safe.
Naturally, a ritual will not create change, but it
can concretize it so that relapses into power struggles with your
mother are less likely. Clearly she has trusted your authority enough
to legalize your motherhood. It is now critical that she follow through
on letting go of primary caretaking responsibilities. Establish guidelines
with your mother that respect your parental authority. Failure to
do so will result in passing the power struggle between mother and
daughter down to the next generation!
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