QUESTION: Until recently I stayed home
with our daughters who are two and three-years-old. After that, I
returned to work part-time. Now my husband says our home life is suffering
and he wants me to quit. I love my family, and only want the best
for them. I gave two weeks notice at work, but part of me does not
want to quit. Am I putting my needs before my family's?
ANSWER: It is not a question of your
needs versus your family's needs. Families exist to nurture the growth
and development of ALL of its members. Your personal fulfillment is
an integral piece of your family's happiness.
Your children benefited from your loving presence
during the first two and three years of their lives. Furthermore,
if you have provided a secure beginning, they are likely to gain from
the stimulation of a quality daycare. In fact, they may enjoy interacting
with other playmates their own age.
Do you think they are ready for part-time daycare
or preschool? Since you spend most of the time with them, your husband
relies on you to assess their needs. Be willing to make your own evaluation
and express your opinion. It should not be a matter of "making your
husband happy". It is a matter of appropriately balancing everyone's
needs in the family. If you feel your children will not suffer, and
may even benefit from a happier mother, as well an influx of energy
from other interested and competent caregivers, say so!
Research reveals two important things. First, it is
not in the best interest of the children to have a depressed mother.
Naturally, a child needs stimulation and enthusiastic responses on
a consistent basis, which can be impossible if the mother is unhappy.
They can do much more for their children if given a "break". Secondly,
studies show that children who have "working mothers" tend to have
higher self-esteem. Ostensibly because working mothers feel happier
with themselves and their good feelings spill over to family members.
As with any research, much depends on the parameters
of your particular situation. Children who see their mothers rarely
may suffer a lack of attention to their basic emotional needs. Women
who feel overworked by both their jobs and family responsibilities
may feel depleted instead of energized when they interact with their
kids. It's important to strike a balance between children's needs
and parental needs in any given family.
If you are a Mom who very much enjoys staying home
with your preschoolers, by all means do it! But if your personal growth
requires something else, it is your job to make your needs count as
a family member. In your case, you are not seeking anything drastic.
After all, your children are not infants and your "part-time" work
hours are quite modest.
Set aside time to discuss your feelings with your
husband. If you avoid having this discussion, you may make your husband
"happy" in the short run, only to undermine lasting marital happiness
if you end up feeling that you have over- sacrificed for your family.
Remember, too, that taking care of yourself sets a
healthy example to your daughters about how to strike a balance as
a woman and a mother!
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